Faith and Prayers

Thank you for your faith and prayers.  Surgery went better than expected. I am hoping to be released by the middle of this week.  It's been hard, but your prayers have definitely been felt.  I am touched by how many of you are serving me and my family with your acts and expressions of love and kindness.  My family has  been greatly blessed through you.  My thoughts turn to those who might not be as fortunate as I.  Those who may be fighting a battle, any battle, without the support that I continue to receive.  I ask you to please look and see if there's something you can do for someone who might feel alone, and help them as you've helped me.  Thank you, thank you, for your love, faith, and prayers.  What a mighty blessing they have been for me!   Love to you all!  

The New Drug & Surgery is Planned...

Well, I began taking the new drug on August 19th.  I take 2 pills a day of the Veliparib--one in the morning & one twelve hours later in the evening.  From the very beginning it caused kind of a headachy feeling & some pretty good stomach cramps.  The study is for Veliparib in a time-release capsule, so I had to spend over 12 hours at Huntsman on day 4 of the drug, having them draw blood through my port every 1-2 hours so they could check how it was releasing & breaking down in my bloodstream.  They told me not to expect to see any results with my CA-125 levels or the size/shape/color of the nodule in my chest wall for a month or two.  The headachiness (is that even a word?) has gotten much better, but I'm still having issues with the stomach cramping.  This week we discovered why that is still a problem for me....I also have a fairly significant tumor in my abdomen...again.  At my first appointment with Dr. Werner, she told me that she wanted me to schedule an appointment with Dr. Dodson, the gynecological surgeon/oncologist that was partners with the Dr. who originally did my de-bulking surgery.  I went to that appointment just this last Tuesday, thinking it was going to be no big deal.  Unfortunately, during his exam, he found another tumor in the abdominal area that didn't show up clearly on any of the scans.  I'm thinking that Dr. Werner suspected this because she sent me to him & called ahead of my appointment to talk to him about it.  Dr. Dodson gives all of us a very good feeling, & did a great job of explaining my options.  They are:1) Do nothing...and it will get worse.  2)  Do radiation on the tumor.  This would shrink it & decrease the discomfort I'm feeling, but it won't fix things.  He's pretty certain the tumor will just return & that I'll want surgery down the road.  Trying to do surgery on tissue that has already been irradiated isn't a good thing...things just don't heal well after radiation.  3)  Do surgery now.  From what he described, this surgery is going to be pretty similar to my first one. Then again, they don't always know what they're getting into until they open you up--it could be worse. Although, the prospect of this doesn't thrill me, I feel that it's my best option & Dr. Dodson felt confident that it's the right choice for me.  He frankly said that some of the other physicians that sit on the "tumor board" are probably going to tell him that he's crazy & thinking too optimistically.  But, he felt that,my overall health is pretty good....despite the darned cancer...& he was hopeful that I could still have some good quality time ahead of me.  Vern, Mom & I had a good feeling speaking to him, & although I would love to receive visions and/or have angels speak loudly to me telling me exactly what I'm supposed to do....I feel that the still, small voice of the Spirit was whispering through Dr. Dodson's quiet, confident one as he spoke to us. That feeling has continued to be with me these past few days, so we are going ahead with plans for the surgery on September 18th.  It helped that before we left his office, Dr. Dodson called both Dr. Prystas & Dr. Werner to speak to them & get their opinions on the subject.  They both agreed with him, for which I am grateful.  They know me much better than the other Dr.'s who sit on the "tumor board".  They know what I'm fighting for...the wonderful support I receive from my family & friends...& they know the faith I have in my Heavenly Father & Savior.  I know there are some more difficult times ahead in the next few months, & I am counting on the faith & prayers of those close to me to sustain me during those low moments.  I am still continually mindful of, & grateful for, the fact that I know my Heavenly Father & Savior love me & have a plan that is perfect for me.  Thank you for your continual faith, prayers & sustaining service to me & my family.  Love always, Kim  

Back from Houston

Much has happened in the past 3 weeks, & I'll do my best to update...but it's late Saturday night, & I'm exhausted so I'll just write the highlights:

• My insurance company did officially deny my coverage out-of-network, & according to the Utah State Insurance Dept., they have no obligation to pay for anything out-of-network.  We signed a contract with them 12 years ago, little imagining that we would ever need to go out-of-network, so the contract stands.
• I was finally able to get an appointment with MD Anderson scheduled for August 13th.  In the meantime, Dr. Prystas learned that they were starting a study of a new ovarian cancer drug at Huntsman, & she was able to get me an appointment with Dr. Theresa Werner on Friday, August 2nd.
• The day before my appointment at Huntsman, MD Anderson called & asked if I could come sooner--on August 6th.  I said "yes", & went about making plans to get out there.  Vern had been planning for months on going with the YM in our ward (Hunter's group) for their High Adventure activity during this week.  I didn't want him to miss it, especially since I thought I might not be in Houston for that long, so Kali made arrangements to go with me.  I owe a huge debt of gratitude to friends of my parents, the Wells', for so generously getting us the airline tickets with their Frequent Flyer Miles--it would have cost a small fortune to get tickets on that short of notice!
• Vern, Mom & I met with Dr. Werner & her team on the Friday before we left for Houston & were super impressed with them.  It is a huge clinic, but it also felt very personal & the level of compassion & caring we felt from them made us all feel comfortable.  Dr. Werner had a couple of other chemo options to offer us, but she feels that my best option is to participate in a phase 1 study of a new drug called Veliparib.  It is a parp inhibitor, & works against fighting cancer cells in a way that is different from traditional chemotherapy.  If you want to know more about it, you can look it up online--I won't even attempt to give you the layman's version.  She encouraged me to keep the appointment at MD Anderson, to see if they had anything that might be better for me.  She felt confident that they would be able to help me determine what would be the best treatment option.
• Kali & I flew out just this past Monday, & met with a Dr. Westin there on Tuesday morning.  MD Anderson is HUUUUGE!  Besides that, there are about a dozen different enormous hospitals in the same approximately 10 block area where MD Anderson is.  If you think that IMC in Murray is big, you have no concept of what a big hospital even looks like. My actual appointment with Dr. Westin was pretty short.  She had reviewed all my records, & asked what I was looking for.  When I gave her the history of the past week, & what Huntsman was able to do for me, she basically said that was my best option.  They are also doing studies on different parp inhibitors from various drug companies in Houston, but considering the amount of traveling back & forth that I would need to do, & the fact that I would be paying "out-of-pocket" for some of my care, she felt that the studies being done at MD Anderson weren't going to be better enough to justify all the extra time & expense to participate.  I had received a Priesthood blessing on Sunday before we left, where I was promised that revelation would come, & the Dr.'s & I would know what was necessary to do.  The decision couldn't have been any easier to make--I was incredibly grateful for that!  Now, I just have to wait to see how much of my $16,800 deposit will be returned....hmmm.
• So, with all that being done, I went back to the hotel room & called Huntsman to get scheduled for the Veliparib clinical trial.  Then, Kali & I spent the next 2 days slumming around Houston in the heat (97 degrees!) and humidity (We have no idea what it was, but it felt like at least 100!).  I'm very glad that we went, & so grateful to have Kali's sweet company.  She is an emotional rock, an excellent navigator, & just darned fun to be around!

What I've written is just the "facts, and nothing but the facts".  There have been so many "tender mercies" that have occurred during this time....so many kind & generous acts of service & help have been given to us.  I would love to write names, & the wonderful things that have been done for us, but I know the hearts of these dear individuals wouldn't want others to know.  Just know that our Heavenly Father, who knows ALL things, is thankful for your discipleship in being His hands in my life when I have so very much needed them.  My heart is full to overflowing of my love & gratitude to you for your faith, prayers & support.  I pray for you also!  Love always, Kim

Waiting for a door to open...

Wow...a lot has happened in the past 3 weeks.  After my chemo treatment on July 1st, my CA-125 numbers came back even higher.  I was able to get in on July 5th and had a PT scan and consulted with the radiation oncologist.  The good news was that the ovarian cancer didn't seem to be real active in my abdomen, but there were 4 spots that showed up on the scan in my chest.  One is the nodule I can feel in my right chest wall, another is in my right lung, and one in the lymph nodes under each armpit.  When I met with the radiation oncologist, she said that she could get to all those areas with radiation, but said that as the cancer has obviously metastasized, doing radiation isn't going to do very much other than just shrink those areas...it won't really be killing the cancer cells that are flowing through my bloodstream and lymphatic system.  She said that she felt that trying to get in on some clinical trials of a new chemo drug is going to be my best option.  When I spoke with Dr. Prystas, after receiving the PT scan, she felt exactly the same way.  She recommended that I go to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX to consult with them and see if there are any clinical trials going on there that I could participate in.  I've learned in the past two weeks that MD Anderson is one of the two premier cancer treatment centers in the U.S.  The other is Sloan-Kettering in New York.  I understand that most of the cancer research and clinical trials goes on at these two centers. Dr. Prystas then sent me to Dr. Reading last week to have a biopsy done of the nodule in my chest, because she wanted to have a little bit more information as to whether we were dealing with breast or ovarian in the chest area.  Well....because everything I do has to be unusual and weird, it ends up that this big old tumor in my chest is ovarian cancer.  Who would've thought?  Duh....I should have gone to Vegas and bet on that happening!  Anyway, Dr. Prystas sent the referral off to MD Anderson just this past Monday, and they were supposed to review my records and call me this past week to schedule me to go down there to meet with their specialists and have tests run.  I was excited to get home from exercise class on Wednesday morning and learn that MD Anderson had called me...I shouldn't have been so excited.  They were only calling to tell me that they were "out of network" for my insurance, Select Health, and therefore, couldn't see me until I received approval from Select Health.  I can't possibly express in words what a frustrating morning that was, as I spent hours on the phone, trying to make the patient advocate person at Select Health understand what my predicament was, and trying to get the reviewer at MD Anderson to schedule me an appointment (she didn't.)  The bottom line of the past 4 days is this: 
1)     I have cancer that my doctors and the specialists at IHC and Huntsman can no longer treat.
2)     I have been on the same HMO with Select Health for 12 years (we can't get the really good insurance because Vern is self-employed), and apparently there are NO "out of network" benefits on our particular plan.
3)     Select Health is reviewing my request to go to MD Anderson, but they have up to 2 weeks from last Wednesday to decide, and if they do approve my going to Houston, they will only approve 1 procedure at a time--ie. they will only approve my receiving one consultation with a physician there.  Any other procedures needing to be done, will also have to go through the system to receive approval.  MD Anderson doesn't operate that way--they practice in a multidisciplinary way with all sorts of specialists working under one big roof to coordinate your care.  They tell patients that when they get an appointment, to plan on being there from 3-7 days while you meet with a variety of specialists and have tests done.  All of this is done outpatient, while I cover all my travel and lodging costs on my own.  Operating in this way would quite possibly have me out there a couple of weeks.
4)     I can't even find out if there are any clinical trials I could participate in, until I go through this procedure....and MD Anderson won't schedule me an appointment until I get approval from Select Health.
5)     I asked about what the approximate cost of this first week of tests & consultations would run, and they couldn't tell me....it all depends upon what they do.  They said that "self-pay" patients (ie. patients without insurance that have money, are expected to put down a "deposit" of $16,800.  Mind you, this is just a deposit for seeing me that week...not what it will actually cost.  When I asked if I could schedule an appointment if I sent them the money, I was told that because I have insurance, I would need their approval before I could schedule anything.  AAARRRGH!
Soooo....you can see why I'm just waiting for another door to open.  It's been a tough week to get through.  I've had to keep in mind, though, that the Lord has given me assurances throughout these past 3 weeks that this is the direction I need to take.  I have been blessed by the great exercise of faith, fasting and prayers on my behalf by my family and friends...they have been tangible, and are what has kept me going.  I have received many "tender mercies" through the sweet acts of service, (given often when people didn't really even know what I was going through), and through the spiritual blessings and comfort I received as I was preparing my lesson for Sunday School today.  God is truly good, and I know He is continuing to watch over me and my family.  Love always, Kim

Lots of trips & Bad Numbers

     I haven't written for awhile because I've been traveling, and waiting for good news to share. The trips to Arizona with Heidi and to Nauvoo with my family, Nana and the Leishman's were great! Nauvoo and the other church history sites are so inspirational....I loved being there! The Spirit there is powerful, and it is so good to be reminded of the difficult challenges others have faced and triumphed over. It helps me to continually be reminded of how the Lord blesses those who exercise faith in Him, and how His vision is eternal and perfect. I consider it a tender mercy that I was able to be strengthened in that way before returning home to learn that my CA-125 #'s have gone up. This new chemo doesn't seem to be working, and the lump in my chest has not decreased, as it usually does when a drug is working. The doctor's don't like to discontinue a drug after just one round, but my CA-125 has been a pretty reliable indicator so far. Sooo....I did my second treatment in this second round today, and I will be meeting with a radiation oncologist this Friday to see if radiation of the lump is an option. Dr. Prystas may order some more imaging tests to see if anything can pinpoint just exactly where the cancer is besides my chest.
     The big problem I'm facing is the fact that I've now run through all the drugs that treat ovarian/breast cancer. It's too soon to try and recycle chemo treatments, so I'm kind of up a creek without a paddle! There is another drug out there that works on kidney cancer, and shows promise of working well for ovarian, but it's not FDA approved yet to treat with ovarian. So, of course, my insurance has denied our request to use it and pay for it. It's not a cure....it just shows promise of buying more time for me. Because it's pretty expensive (I didn't even dare ask the price at this point), we are trying to see if the pharmaceutical company will somehow work with us on getting it, and doing it at a reasonable price.  So, if anyone has energy for extra prayers--there's a specific one for you.
     The hard part about all this is that we all figured that when I got to this point, I'd probably be ready to give up treatment because I'd be in pretty bad shape. Most of the time, I'm functioning pretty well, so this is kind of tough emotionally. My desire is to continue to be here awhile longer. I'm not sure yet exactly what Heavenly Father's plan is for me...I still feel like He's okay with that...so that's what I'm operating with until He tells me otherwise. Vern gave me a very sweet and tender Priesthood blessing yesterday, and we are all doing good.
     I don't know how many, or who, are still reading this.....but I am continually humbled by your sweet thoughts, prayers and faith on my behalf. Jesus Christ is truly a God of miracles...I am a walking testament to that fact! I love Him, and my heart is full of love and gratitude for all of you!

Headed to the Happiest Place on Earth

     Well, there's been lots going on this past month--a few chemo treatments, lots of school stuff, skyping with Jarett on Mother's Day & some CT scans thrown in also.  My CA-125 #'s had very slowly crept up the last couple of times, & this lovely nodule in my right chest started growing & getting tender again--darn, darn & double darn!  I'd been having a few other weird symptoms--which are probably normal signs of aging--but having cancer kind of throws a new perspective on all that & it's easy to get freaked out.  So, Dr. Prystas ordered some CT scans, which look pretty much like the ones they did 6 months ago.  The nodule looks the same, & the fluids in my chest & abdomen actually look better on this latest scan.  It's funny how once the Dr. says there's nothing new there, most of those weird symptoms just go away--I know, it's all in my funny head!
     Anyway, those #'s have been pretty good indicators of what's going on in the past--& so has this nodule in my chest--so I get this week off of chemo & we'll begin a new drug next Monday.  This new one is most likely going to make me lose my hair--which is surely a loss since it came back in so lovely (can you feel the sarcasm dripping?).  I'm gonna have to start working on my top-of-my-head tan quickly!  Fortunately, the hair loss doesn't seem to coincide with the nastiness of the other side effects--they should, hopefully, be easier than what I've been on.
     So, with all that said....I'm heading to Disneyland with Vern, Kali & the ladies from the dental office.  We're headed out for a little weekend retreat--driving in the suburban straight through today & back on Sunday.  I am totally excited for this trip!!!  2 1/2 years ago, I had to miss my trip with them to Orlando when I got diagnosed & had my big surgery.  They are such fun to be with, & this is going to be a great trip! My tender mercies this week?  No chemo effects for Disneyland & Jarett was transferred yesterday, so I don't have to drive right by the freeway exit where his apartment was & have to keep myself from stopping to give him a big hug--I don't have any idea where he is now...& won't until he emails me next Monday.  The Lord is really watching over me--I feel Him every day!  Love always, Kim

A Trip to DC and a Hard Week

     While Vern & Kali were off to Peru doing dental work & exploring, I took the boys to Washington, DC with my mom & younger brother, Matt.  We had a great time visiting there, & I had lots of strength & energy.  I don't think there was anything that we left undone--which is amazing, considering that everyone else & their dog were there for Spring Break & the city was a bit crowded.  Matt & I even did some driving in the DC traffic!  We were met there by our Hatch cousins, who live in Virginia, & really enjoyed experiencing all the wonderful history of that area with them.  We just wish the trip could have lasted longer!
     The day after we returned, last Monday, I went in for my chemo treatment.  I seemed to be doing well, & there weren't any changes with the physical exam, but the next day my CA-125 #'s came back, & they've gone from 58 up to 71.  It's not a lot, but enough that we need to make changes (again).  Dr. Prystas is recommending that we keep doing this treatment, but do it 2 weeks in a row, with 1 week off.  Hopefully, this will be keeping enough of the drugs in my system to keep the cancer at bay.  That same day, we received the news that my cousin, Eric, & his family had lost their 17-year old son to an unexpected death.  My heart has ached for them, & my spirits have been pretty low all week.  What a blessing it has been to watch & listen to General Conference!  It truly is a healing balm to the soul.  It is spiritual nourishment to my heart to be able to feast upon the words of Christ & His gospel at this time.  President Uchtdorf's message this morning has seemed especially relevant to life's circumstances.  How thankful I am for the "light" of the Savior, & the sure knowledge I have that we need not live in darkness, doubt & fear...for He has overcome the world & we can put our trust in Him.  I am continually thankful for your faith & prayers on my behalf.  Hopefully, there will be better news to share in the future.  Love always, Kim

     It's Monday & I'm sitting here waiting to get an email from my favorite missionary, so I thought I'd write a quick update on life & the new chemo.  After receiving 4 treatments in a row, & receiving the word that it was working well, Dr. Prystas decided to back off a little bit & let me do it every other week.  I saw her last week for my check-up & chemo, & told her that the 5 days previous to that was the best I'd felt since November.  When they called me the next day to give me my CA-125 update, Jeri said it was not wonder I felt so good--my numbers had gone from 160 down to 58 with only 2 treatments!  The week I get chemo I feel so crummy, but I feel so great the week I have off!  My kidneys & other organs seem to be tolerating the medications well so far.  The only problem is my white blood counts haven't been as high as they'd like, so Dr. Prystas had to adjust the dosage down a little bit last week.  Apparently, my bone marrow has been suppressed a bit with all the chemo I've done over the past 2 1/2 years, so this is my "new normal".
     On the Mondays I'm not doing chemo, I try to stay home to chat with Jarett in CA.  Today, while I was waiting, I deep cleaned my bathroom--whoohoo!  When I was deep cleaning a couple of weeks ago, Heidi told me I should be having Stella (my fabulous housecleaning friend) do that for me when she comes every other week.  I said "no way"--cleaning out drawers & cabinets is a job you can only do yourself.  Can I just say that I loooove cleaning?  I know--I'm weird.  I've decided that I got that gene from my Mama Enid.  I think she was in her 80's on a ladder cleaning out her rain gutters.  Anyway, I just loved cleaning my bathroom today & it looks fabulous.  Anyone could come & have dinner tonight in my master bath--it is that clean.  I did alot of thinking while I was working, & I thought how much I just love the springtime & deep cleaning!  As much as I love my fresh bathroom, I love that we will soon be getting a fresh start outside, too.  Pretty soon all that dirty snow will be gone, & green grass & my tulips & daffodils will start to bloom.  I love that it'll soon be Easter.  As I worked, I thought about the Savior & how He has made it possible for all of us to get "fresh starts" in our lives.  I wish that I could get rid of my bad habits & favorite sins as easily as I could get rid of the old make-up & lotions in my drawers.  Sometimes I feel as if I'm a completely different person 2 1/2 years later, & at other times I feel as if I'm never going to overcome my weaknesses & sins.  I am grateful that the Savior is patient with me, as I continue to learn & grow towards becoming what He knows I can be.  I am continually thankful for the faith & prayers on my behalf, & the dear friends & family who are always supportive.  This month will mark 30 months since my diagnosis--I could never imagine that I would be blessed to still be here.  All my love, Kim

New Chemo is Working

I know it's been awhile since I've written--it's been kind of a tough few weeks.  I began the new chemo, Cisplatin, on the 14th of January, & have had a treatment each week for the past 4 weeks.  The side effects the first week were awful--migraines and severe nausea--so they've given me a little something extra called "Emend" that has helped considerably these past few times.  I've never had to do chemo every week before this time, so it's been a bit of a challenge mentally & physically.  Yesterday, Kathy called with the good news that my CA-125, which had been up to 346, had gone down to 160--super yipee-yi-ay!  They're also going to let me have next week off, which is a HUGE relief for me.  It's been kind of tough to only have 1 or 2 days where I've felt okay, & then have to gear myself up to go do it again.  By last Saturday, I would start feeling sick to my stomach at the mere thought of going in for chemo...I know it's all in my head, but feels very real.  I'm not losing weight with the nausea..just the opposite.  I lay around constantly snacking, trying to keep it at bay.
One of the highlights to this last month has been Mom getting an iPad.  I have to say it's been wonderful because Jarett's p-day is on Mondays, & that's when I've been doing my chemo treatments so I can be feeling better by the weekend when the boys are off school.  I was kind of bummed to think that I would be missing his emails while I was hooked up to the IV, but Mom just brings her iPad to the appointments, & while the infusion is going on, I can get Jarett's emails & do a little back & forth emailing during the half hour he gets on the computer at the public library in Fontana, CA.  Ah...the blessings of modern technology!  What a great world it is we live in!
I'd been dreading going in again for the chemo this week, when I reminded myself that the chemo is my friend...it is how Heavenly Father is working His miracles in my life & I need to have a feeling of gratitude for it, instead of being such a whiner.  Having that attitude throughout the past couple of days has certainly helped me...I don't feel like it's been quite as bad this week.  It just goes back to what I'm always harping on my kids about--having an attitude of gratitude makes a difference in everything.  Love always,  Kim

Happy New Year 2013

     This will be a short update...I had a chemo treatment just 3 days ago, & am still feeling the effects, although I AM out of my pajamas as I write this--that's always a good thing!  I got to have a little extra time between treatments due to the holidays, & it was wonderful!  Our Christmas was quiet without Jarett, but very good.  I wish I could say the same about his.  We are waiting for the mail to arrive today, & hopefully there will be a letter from him.  We didn't get one after Christmas, as we expected, & just learned this week that he had the stomach "flu" that was going around the MTC & made at least 250 missionaries sick over the holidays.  As I have felt sick the last couple of days from my chemo, I've just thought how grateful I was to not have to share a bathroom with a whole bunch of other people who weren't feeling well--that is certainly a blessing for me!
     I did get word on Thursday from Dr. Prystas that the Topotecan hasn't been working.  My CA-125 #'s have gone back up--to 294.  So, once again, we'll be trying something else.  I've been through several drugs already, & there are only so many that work on ovarian/breast cancer, so this is a big disappointment.  I've been able to get about 6 months out of each drug I've received, & I was hoping to get at least the same out of this.  I've already thrown myself a "pity party" the past 2 days as I've been down, but woke up feeling better today.  We had our FHE last Monday, & set goals for this month on developing charity that included "suffering long" from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  I was thinking more in terms of my being more patient with Vern & the boys, but apparently I'm also going to be learning to "wait patiently on the Lord."
    On the bright side of things....my parents & I went to the Donny & Marie Christmas concert at Abravanel Hall after Christmas.  It was a great concert, & at the end of it I was surprised to get to go backstage & meet Donny after the show.  My sister, Julie, & my aunt, Phyllis, arranged it all.  What a special treat!  I only got to visit with him for a couple of minutes, as he was pretty tired & had been ill beforehand, but he was so gracious & kind.  Here's the only picture I got of the two of us--you'll notice that I look old enough to be his mother!

Christmas Tidings

     Once again, I am behind the ball in keeping this updated!  I imagine that everyone is so busy at this time of year, that my writing probably has not been missed.  I have had 4 treatments now with the Topotecan & am doing okay with it.  The schedule so far is to have it 2 weeks in a row, & then take a week off.  I've had a treatment that past two Mondays, so I get to have the week of Christmas off--yea!  They all said I would most likely lose my hair, but it's still hanging in there so far. After the first two treatments, they checked my CA-125 levels & they had only dropped from 226 to 214--not a big difference considering how much sicker this one made me feel.  It was a bit disappointing, as each time I've tried a new drug it seems to have dropped fairly significantly after the first few treatments.  Hopefully, this was just a fluke--but at least it DID drop--that was good news!
     Jarett is doing well in the MTC--in fact, he has been thriving there.  His Spanish is coming well, & his letters have been so positive & full of the spirit of the gospel.  It has been exciting to sense the change that has already occurred with him.  Of course, he hasn't lost his fun sense of humor.  In a letter to Hunter, he wrote about how good he's eating, & the workouts he'd been doing to try & stay healthy.  He said, "When I get off my mission, I'm gonna make a video called Elder Iverson's 9-week Guide to Getting Abs in the MTC".  Oooh--I can hardly wait!
     This Christmas season has been full of wonderful activities--our Dental Staff, Ward & Neighborhood parties, caroling with the family to our Home & Visiting Teaching families, going to see "Savior of the World" & the lights on Temple Square, watching Braedon sing with his Valley Choir, seeing my nieces dance in the "Nutcracker" ballet, reading inspirational Christmas stories each night before bed, seeing a special screening of "Les Mis", shopping & lunch with Sue...so many wonderful things that I am thankful to be here for, & feel well enough to participate in.  As I was re-reading this last paragraph, I was struck by the fact that every one of these activities were done with so many of the people I love.  I am continuing to be served by my family, friends & Relief Society sisters--life is soooo good.
     Today, Elder Marlin Jensen gave a special lesson in church that just went straight to my heart--I know it was meant specifically for me.  He taught of charity--the pure love of Christ--& as a class we read through 1 Corinthians 13 & discussed each & every attribute of charity as given by the Apostle Paul.  It was a beautiful discussion, & the Spirit was strongly felt.  I realized that I still have so much work to do--especially with my family--to become a truly Christlike person.  As I thought through some of my dealings with others these past few days, I felt ashamed at my lack of charity.  But, then my heart was just filled with gratitude for the opportunity my Heavenly Father & Savior have given me to continue to be here on this earth & continue to learn to be charitable.  My shame turned to hope as I realized, once again, what a blessing the Atonement of the Savior is for me.  How thankful I am that I can repent, that my heart can be changed, that I can be forgiven for my selfishness & come unto Him & be healed of ALL my weaknesses--not just cancer.  This is a beautiful time of year, & I hope that I can be worthy to receive the gift of charity in my heart each day, & carry the Spirit of "Christ"mas through the year.  My love to you all!--Kim

New chemo...again

Well, it's been an eventful couple of weeks.  Last Saturday, Kali got back from Mexico safely, & had a great trip serving with the AEM people.  The next day, Jarett spoke in our Sacrament meeting & we served dinner to about 100 people afterwards at our house--thank you everyone for coming, & especially for those who helped!  It was just a great day!  On Wednesday, we dropped him off at the MTC in Provo & things have been fairly quiet ever since.  The "drop-off" went much better than I expected--it might have been that I was just worn right out with my emotions from the previous week.  We took him to his favorite restaurant, J Dawg's, for one last hot dog before he left, & there were so many other missionaries with their families there that it was almost a party atmosphere.  Some people standing in line behind us were from San Bernardino, CA & told me great things about the places he'll be going & the people he'll be serving.  Then we pulled up to the curb at the MTC & the excitement & Spirit there are just palpable!  How could any parent not feel good about leaving their child in such a place?  I thought I would sob all the way to Salt Lake, but didn't even shed a tear after we left--it was then that I realized that the blessings of having a missionary had already begun!
On our way home, we stopped in Salt Lake for my chemo appointment...I figured if I was going to be sobbing, I might as well just go hog wild & have a chemo treatment to boot!  My CA-125 numbers have continued to climb the past couple of weeks, so there was no way of staying on the Doxil and hoping it would work.  I'm now doing a new drug...Topotecan (makes me think of Toucan Sam--Fruit Loops!).  It's not as easy to take as the Doxil, & I felt a little rough for a couple of days, but we'll do it.  I'm just hoping that it will work at killing the cancer cells & keeping those pesky CA-125 numbers down.  We're not sure what the schedule is going to be like with this drug.  Because I've been doing some type of chemo almost non-stop for the past 2 years, my bone marrow production is suppressed & that's going to make it a little bit more of a challenge with the schedule & dosing.  I'm taking this week off of chemo, heading to Vancouver, WA with the family to visit relatives for Thanksgiving, & then having another treatment on the 26th when I get back.
At this time of year, I am just so thankful to still be here with my family & friends, & hope that I will still be able to be an influence for good in their lives.  I am thankful for Vern & each of our darling kids.  Although I miss Jarett, I'm thankful that he is where he is, doing what I've always dreamed he would want to do.  I am thankful for dear parents, who in their 70's, continue to make great sacrifices for me & my siblings.  I am thankful for the love & support of my sister & brothers and their great families, and the wonderful family that I had the privilege of marrying into.  I am thankful for loyal friends, who continue to support me with their service and good examples.  I am especially thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ & am so thankful for His Atonement.  I am thankful that He, and my Father in Heaven, know & love me intimately, completely & perfectly...& that our lives have purpose & meaning.  Happy Thanksgiving!  Love always, Kim

Time is Speeding

Wow!  It has been almost 2 months since I last posted--sorry.  Life has just been speeding by so quickly with both good things & also some not quite as good.  I did another chemo treatment with the Doxil on October 8th--the day before my baby boy, Braedon, turned 12--yea!  The side effects haven't been too awful, as I was able to enjoy his celebration (which always seems to stretch into several days now--how come?)  He received the Aaronic Priesthood that following Sunday, & the whole ward is excited because now we have a total of 3 deacons--whoo hoo!  Then the next week, Mom took all of the Cloward girls on a trip to New York City for 4 fabulous days.  It was my first trip ever to that city, & we had a really great time.  I had never had much of a desire to see NYC, but I must say that I was duly impressed--it is an amazing place!  I didn't feel real great for most of the trip, but was able to do all the running around (& we did LOTS of that!) & really did enjoy myself.  I am so glad that we went when we did, instead of this past week with Hurricane Sandy--it was the trip of a lifetime--thanks so much for the wonderful memories, Mom!    
That same week, Vern took all the boys to San Francisco for the ADA meetings & met up with his brother-in-law & the boys' cousins from Virginia.  They also had a great time, & the best part about it all was that I was able to come home to a house that wasn't trashed--bonus!  Now that everyone is home, we are getting ready to see Kali off to Mexico for an 8-day humanitarian aid trip, & Jarett will be leaving for the MTC on November 14th.  We've been busy getting him ready to go, but I don't think it's really sunk in yet for me that I'll be saying goodbye to him for 2 years.  That's going to be a tough one.  I'm sure he'll be glad to leave me, though--it's rough being away from home on your own for a year & then coming back to find your mom reminding you to brush your teeth, make your bed, go to bed, etc.....  What will I do with all my time once he's gone again?
On the other side of things, the lump in my right chest reappeared about 7-8 weeks ago, & my CA-125 went up from 43 to 69 at my last test.  I had some more CT scans last week & everything appears just as it did on my last ones 6 months ago--so that's good news--at least I've been holding steady for the past 6 months!  We're a little unsure what to do at this point with this information.  I might go in after Jarett leaves, to have the lump removed & biopsied to see if they can get any more info on whether it's looking more like breast cancer or ovarian cancer.  We didn't remove it 6 months ago when it appreared, because it's not really going to change the outcome of everything, & will probably just grow back.  And then, after my first treatment of the Doxil it shrunk back down again.  Dr. Prystas would like to see if we can get a little more mileage out of the Doxil before we have to switch chemo treatments (again!), so we're going to try to do the blood tests next week & see if it will help if I have the Doxil more frequently than 5 weeks.  In the meantime, I am feeling pretty well--I just get really "pooped out" by the day's end & have a few burns on my feet & toes.
My second cousin, Nicole Rasmussen, was on Channel 2 News last night.  She is an amazing woman & is such an inspiration to me & so many others.  She has had health challenges since she was in her teens, & lost her eyesight shortly after she was married from a severe brain infection that nearly took her life.  She has gone on to have 3 children & is doing a "top-notch" job of raising them.  The story on the news last night focused on how she cooks fabulous & easy meals for her family, but also shared so much more on how she is overcoming her challenges.  I'm not sure I know how to create links on this blog, but you can go to http://blindmom.com/ to link up to her blog.  I love, love, love hearing & reading about others who are dealing with pretty big challenges in such a positive way.  There is so much to be grateful for in life, & so much to hope for because our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us!  Love always, Kim

2 Year Anniversary

     I'm not sure if anyone is even reading this anymore--I'm terrible about writing on a regular basis.  I was trying to write a few days after each chemo treatment, but really slacked off this last time.  I actually had a treatment of Doxil on September 7th, but just haven't felt very well & couldn't motivate myself to sit down & write.  Today is the two-year anniversary of the day I was originally diagnosed with cancer.  I know things were "cooking" in there much longer than that, but things became "official" two years ago.  This past week, I've really been contemplating the fact that I'm still here & thinking about all the changes that have occurred during this time.  The other day I was reading some stories of cancer survivors---I don't know if you can call me a survivor since I'm still battling the darn thing, but, in some ways I feel as if I'm not only "surviving", but might actually be "thriving".  Don't get me wrong--if I were given the choice, this is absolutely not what I would choose in my life, but two year's perspective has helped me to see that this experience has been vital to my spiritual & emotional growth.  And then, when I have those days where I feel tired, achy, cranky, miserable & downright scared about where things are headed, I realize how much more I need to grow!
     Today we had a wonderful lesson & discussion in Relief Society on faith, & one of the "take away" lessons for me was to "give the Lord a chance" in our lives.  We are His children & can only begin to understand how much He loves us individually--each & every one of us.  He is just waiting to bless & help us with all that is going on in our lives--our small every day events are just as important to Him as the huge challenges we face.   Two years ago, my life circumstances made me humble myself  & give Him a chance to work His miracles in my life.  Each time I have truly exercised my faith in my Savior, He has blessed me in ways that are unmistakable!  I have felt His love & He has helped me to have peace & hope in His plan for me.  Sometimes the adversary is so strong with the doubts, worry & fear that he plants into my mind & heart, and I need to continually turn to the Savior for healing.  Some days I do better at this than other days.  How I wish that I were perfectly faithful & always turned to Him for guidance & help!  How much more joy, happiness & peace could I have, & could I bring to my family if I could do so?  But, the Savior is always faithful to me, granting me that portion of His spirit that I need most at that time, when I sincerely humble myself & pray to Him for help.  There is so much more in my heart that I wish I could articulate at this time.  I pray that some day I will be blessed to speak as the angels do & praise my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I have a testimony that He lives!  He is our Redeemer & His Atonement is real.  Love, Kim

Summer's Almost Over

     I've heard from several of you that it's been too long since I've written--I'm so sorry!  Our summer has been just as hectic, crazy & fun as everyone else's!  Jarett received his mission call & opened it when we were on our way down to the Grand Canyon for a quick family trip after the 4th of July.  He has been called to serve in the California San Bernardino Mission--Spanish speaking.  We are so excited for him!!! He doesn't leave to go into the MTC until November 14th, so he'll be moving home this month from Provo to spend the next 3 months.  It's going to be tough finding a job for this short time, so keep your fingers crossed for him.  His little brothers are thrilled that he'll be home full-time, & I'm just hoping not to drive him completely nuts before he leaves.  Unfortunately, having cancer has NOT diminished my ability to constantly nag.  If anything, it's made it worse--I feel I may have less time to teach my children how to be decent human beings, so sometimes I go into overdrive & make us all miserable.
     I did pretty good with my last chemo treatment--the burns weren't too awful & I was able to do okay with the tiredness.  Some good friends of ours, Jeff & Melanie Shaw, invited our family to go to Lake Powell with them during the time of the worst side effects & I handled them pretty well.  It was just wonderful to be there relaxing, reading, eating great food & having my boys all completely entertained--thank you Shaw Family!
     The new chemo schedule with the Doxil is going to be every 5 weeks--that seems to be the magic formula for letting my white blood counts get high enough to receive it.  I received my 4th treament of the Doxil yesterday, & just a few hours ago received the good news that my CA-125 had dropped from 65 to 53.  I'm somewhat surprised because I've had some stomach aches the past couple of weeks, & had worked my frenzied mind into thinking that the cancer was having a party inside of me again.  I feel sooo relieved & grateful.  I wish there were more words I could use besides "grateful" & "thankful" to describe my emotions.  I am not articulate, & that is one of the reasons why it takes me so long to write.  Your prayers are continuing to be felt & are so (gratefully) appreciated.  I know there are many others in need of prayers, & I try to be mindful of them as I pray.  I am especially grateful for Vern at this time.  He has many heavy burdens to bear, & he willingly & quietly bears them.  He has to deal with the worst parts of me, & on this cancer journey has patiently supported & loved me.  Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ are continually mindful of us--They love us & are so happy when we love each other.  Thank you for loving me.

Always, Kim  

This Summer So Far..

Things are going well so far this summer.  I went in last Monday, June 25th for my chemo treatment, but my white blood counts weren't high enough and they had to put it off until yesterday.  They still weren't quite where they wanted them to be, but Dr. Prystas decided to go ahead.  The Doxil has worked very well as my CA-125 has gone down to 65.  Whoo hoo!  That's the lowest it's ever been since I began this journey!  I'm still trying to get used to this new chemo treatment.  It is definitely much easier in many ways, but it's been kind of unpredictable.  With the last chemo, I knew that I was going to feel crummy for the first 5 days and then I'd feel better.  The Doxil is slowly released over a period of a few weeks, and so I'll be feeling good for some days and crummy for others--I just never know when I'm going to have the crummy days, so it's more difficult to plan things.  I also got some bad burns--from the inside out--on the skin between my fingers and toes about 18 days after my last treatment.  They are still sore & healing and I hope they won't get worse with this last treatment.  It has been an extremely busy summer so far.  We've had a lot of family company from out of state the last couple of weeks--and I have been really tired at times--but it has been wonderful to have them here!  I'm so thankful that I can still be here, and feeling well enough to have spent this time with them.  We are waiting for Jarett's mission call to arrive this week (hopefully), and I know this is going to bring some big changes in our lives the next few months.  Life is sooo good!  What a blessing to be on this earth at this time--to have my family, friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ--He is everything!!!  All my love, Kim

Just Trying to Keep Up

     Sorry to those of you who have been waiting for me to post.  Once school got out, it's just been crazy & I'm just doing my best to keep up with these kids of mine!  I had my last chemo treatment on May 29th & then received the good news that my CA-125 DID drop down to 148.  That was a huge surprise for us, since Dr. Prystas had told us a couple of times that we could expect it to actually go up the first couple of rounds.  The other really good news is that I can no longer even feel the lump in my chest muscle, so this chemo seems to be working pretty well.  It's actually the easiest I've had with all the different chemo drugs I've done.  In fact, I left for California 5 days after this last treatment & went to S. California with my boys & my sister's family.  We had a great time tromping around Disneyland & Legoland, but I have definitely been dragging since I got home.  In fact, about 3 weeks ago I ran into someone & caught myself telling them, "I don't know why I'm so darned tired!"  Then I remembered...Duh!  You have cancer....I actually thought that it was pretty cool that for a few minutes my thoughts weren't with this nasty cancer, & I was just trying to figure out why I was so darned tired that day. :-)  All in all, this summer has gotten off to a really good start & the next few weeks are filled with all sorts of fun activities with family & friends.
     I went to the S.L. Temple today & looked down at my temple recommend & realized that I need to get it renewed this month.  I just thought, "Yea!", because I remembered the first time I went to the temple after I was diagnosed & my recommend was still fairly new.  On that day, I was thinking, "I probably won't still be here to meet with the Bishop & Stake President for another one."  How incredibly excited I am to be able to meet with them this month & renew this precious piece of paper that allows me to attend the Temple.  Other than my own home, the Temple is the place I most want to be, & I can hardly wait for the day that all my children will be there with me & Vern.
     I continue to be so grateful for your faith, love & prayers.  Love, Kim

Running As Fast As I Can

     It has been a busy, busy past couple of weeks--I feel as if I've been running as fast as I can--both literally & figuratively.  Vern and Kali have been gone to Guatemala the past 10 days doing some sightseeing & some service dental work in a clinic down there.  They arrive home tomorrow & I can hardly wait to see them & hear all about their trip.  I'm so glad that things went well with my health before & during their trip, so that they could have this opportunity.  I'm grateful that they could serve in this way, as so much service has been given to us.  I've been busy shuttling the little boys back & forth between various sports & activities, & it's been good that Jarett's been home to do all my hard spring yard work the past 10 days.  It's been good to have him home--I always feel safer when he's here.  Today I walked/ran the last 9 miles of the Ogden Marathon with my friend, Heidi.  What a beautiful day & what a marvelous experience to be able to run the gorgeous canyon again!  By the time we finished, I felt like I was walking on "bloody stumps", but the emotional lift I received from doing it far outweighs the aches & pains I'm feeling tonight.  It was great to see old running friends while I was doing it, & so wonderful to be doing this with Heidi--we've had our ups & downs running this race over the past few years & this was definitely an "up" year for me.
     Today was a much needed boost for me after the beginning of my week.  I met with my surgeon, Dr. Reading, on Monday & learned that the lump in my breast is most likely another tumor.  She said that she can remove it if I want, but that she knows she wouldn't be able to get clean margins because it's in the chest muscle, & it will just likely reoccur in that area.  Since they know I still have cancer cells floating around in my abdomen, this new tumor doesn't really change anything as far as my treatment & the eventual outcome of this journey goes.  Since I've received the chemo, I've noticed that the lump is much less noticeable--it isn't tender like it was initially, & it's not as well defined.  Sooo...it appears that the new chemo drug is working on it.  It was kind of hard to hear the news--not that it was anything new--I knew I still had the darned cancer in me!  It just seems as if I will most likely be doing chemo until I can't do it anymore.  Sometimes I try to go through my days pretending that I don't have cancer, & this new lump just made it all the more visible physically for me.  But, as with each new twist & turn on this journey, I needed a few days to just process everything emotionally & cry.  I do cry once in awhile still, but I always feel better when I can focus on what I DO have, rather than on what I might not have.  I can't say thank you enough for the kind thoughts, words & prayers--I still feel protected by this big "bubble of love".  Love always, Kim

New Chemo

This is going to be a short one--it's Sunday night and I'm tired. It's been a good day--one of those days at church where you feel as if every lesson, talk and/or testimony is meant directly for you.  I've been weeping on and off throughout the day--not out of sadness--mostly out of gratitude for knowing that my needs are known and I'm being taken care of.  My numbers did go up again after my last chemo--darn!--so I had a CT scan last Monday, and then my chemo treatment with a new drug--Doxil.  Things went pretty well for both.  Not much shows up on the scan except for a soft tissue nodule in my chest, very close to where the tumor in my breast was initially.  Dr. Prystas isn't sure exactly what it is, or how it's related to my cancer.  She doesn't think that even if it is a new tumor, that it's responsible for my CA-125 numbers going up as much as they have--the cancer is obviously still at work in my body on the cellular level.  I'm working on getting an appointment with my surgeon to figure out what to do with the nodule.  It appears to be just between the skin and my rib cage, so hopefully it will be easy to remove if that's what we decide to do.  The chemo doesn't seem to be as bad as what I've done in the past.  I actually felt pretty well Monday through Wednesday.  I went to bed Wednesday night starting to worry that because I wasn't feeling terrible, the chemo must not be working.  What a blessing to wake up Thursday morning feeling achy & tired! I've had moments where the worry, fear and discouragement start to set in, but for the most part I'm feeling at peace with everything.  I have to keep looking at the "big picture" and remember how thankful I am to still be here and participating in my family's life.  Kali graduated from USU yesterday--YEA!--and it was a marvelous blessing to be able to see her walk across that stage.  I am incredibly proud of her and the young woman she has become.  A year ago, I couldn't even imagine being able to have the experience I had yesterday--every day is a bonus and a blessing.  Thank you again for the prayers--I feel as if I've been wrapped up in a big "bubble" these past couple of weeks.  This "bubble" has protected me from the discouragement that could so easily beset me at this time.  The prayers are doing so much to strengthen and bless me--thank you again.  Love always, Kim

CA-125 Update

Well, I had my 16th chemo treatment two days ago, & received my CA-125 numbers yesterday. Unfortunately, they've gone from 82 to 173. I can't say that I was surprised. I've just had a feeling this past week that things weren't going to continue to go as smoothly as they had been. In fact, I had a couple of "tender mercy" experiences on Sunday, that I think helped prepare me to receive the news, so I'm doing pretty good. Dr. Prystas says that it's possible there was a lab error in running the blood test, and so I'll go to McKay-Dee next Wednesday to have my blood drawn & redo the test. If the numbers are still elevated, then she'll probably order another scan to see if perhaps there is a small tumor growing somehwere that can be surgically removed. If they don't see any signs of a tumor, then she'll probably switch my chemo medications. Fortunately, one of the drugs that was unavailable to me last fall is now available, & she thinks that would be a good choice. I won't know anything until next Thursday or Friday.
In the meantime, life goes on. I'm receiving my Christmas present this weekend from Vern--tickets to see the Donny & Marie show in Las Vegas. We'll be heading down to Vegas on Friday morning to spend the weekend. I am so excited! My kids think I'm lame, and I don't know that Vern's real excited about the show, but I am thrilled to be seeing my childhood crush. Vern puts so much thought into his gifts to me, & I am really very grateful to be going--it will be a nice break for the two of us. Next week I'll be heading to BYU Women's Conference with Mom, my aunt Phyllis, Julie, Heidi, Elsie & some friends. I am so happy to be able to go down there, and know that it will be the best place for me--physically & spiritually--to get whatever the news is going to be from Dr. Prystas.
Thank you all again for your sweet thoughts & prayers. I have heard from so many of you these past few weeks, & am continually touched by your continuing to think of me, and serve me & my family. I am so blessed to be loved by so many of you--this has been an incredibly difficult, yet sweet experience for me. I have really come to know how much Heavenly Father loves each of us, & how very involved He is in our lives. I know that I probably receive so many more "tender mercies" from Him than I am even aware of, & I hope I can open my eyes better to see His blessings & workings in my life. Love, Kim