Time is Speeding

Wow!  It has been almost 2 months since I last posted--sorry.  Life has just been speeding by so quickly with both good things & also some not quite as good.  I did another chemo treatment with the Doxil on October 8th--the day before my baby boy, Braedon, turned 12--yea!  The side effects haven't been too awful, as I was able to enjoy his celebration (which always seems to stretch into several days now--how come?)  He received the Aaronic Priesthood that following Sunday, & the whole ward is excited because now we have a total of 3 deacons--whoo hoo!  Then the next week, Mom took all of the Cloward girls on a trip to New York City for 4 fabulous days.  It was my first trip ever to that city, & we had a really great time.  I had never had much of a desire to see NYC, but I must say that I was duly impressed--it is an amazing place!  I didn't feel real great for most of the trip, but was able to do all the running around (& we did LOTS of that!) & really did enjoy myself.  I am so glad that we went when we did, instead of this past week with Hurricane Sandy--it was the trip of a lifetime--thanks so much for the wonderful memories, Mom!    
That same week, Vern took all the boys to San Francisco for the ADA meetings & met up with his brother-in-law & the boys' cousins from Virginia.  They also had a great time, & the best part about it all was that I was able to come home to a house that wasn't trashed--bonus!  Now that everyone is home, we are getting ready to see Kali off to Mexico for an 8-day humanitarian aid trip, & Jarett will be leaving for the MTC on November 14th.  We've been busy getting him ready to go, but I don't think it's really sunk in yet for me that I'll be saying goodbye to him for 2 years.  That's going to be a tough one.  I'm sure he'll be glad to leave me, though--it's rough being away from home on your own for a year & then coming back to find your mom reminding you to brush your teeth, make your bed, go to bed, etc.....  What will I do with all my time once he's gone again?
On the other side of things, the lump in my right chest reappeared about 7-8 weeks ago, & my CA-125 went up from 43 to 69 at my last test.  I had some more CT scans last week & everything appears just as it did on my last ones 6 months ago--so that's good news--at least I've been holding steady for the past 6 months!  We're a little unsure what to do at this point with this information.  I might go in after Jarett leaves, to have the lump removed & biopsied to see if they can get any more info on whether it's looking more like breast cancer or ovarian cancer.  We didn't remove it 6 months ago when it appreared, because it's not really going to change the outcome of everything, & will probably just grow back.  And then, after my first treatment of the Doxil it shrunk back down again.  Dr. Prystas would like to see if we can get a little more mileage out of the Doxil before we have to switch chemo treatments (again!), so we're going to try to do the blood tests next week & see if it will help if I have the Doxil more frequently than 5 weeks.  In the meantime, I am feeling pretty well--I just get really "pooped out" by the day's end & have a few burns on my feet & toes.
My second cousin, Nicole Rasmussen, was on Channel 2 News last night.  She is an amazing woman & is such an inspiration to me & so many others.  She has had health challenges since she was in her teens, & lost her eyesight shortly after she was married from a severe brain infection that nearly took her life.  She has gone on to have 3 children & is doing a "top-notch" job of raising them.  The story on the news last night focused on how she cooks fabulous & easy meals for her family, but also shared so much more on how she is overcoming her challenges.  I'm not sure I know how to create links on this blog, but you can go to http://blindmom.com/ to link up to her blog.  I love, love, love hearing & reading about others who are dealing with pretty big challenges in such a positive way.  There is so much to be grateful for in life, & so much to hope for because our Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us!  Love always, Kim

2 Year Anniversary

     I'm not sure if anyone is even reading this anymore--I'm terrible about writing on a regular basis.  I was trying to write a few days after each chemo treatment, but really slacked off this last time.  I actually had a treatment of Doxil on September 7th, but just haven't felt very well & couldn't motivate myself to sit down & write.  Today is the two-year anniversary of the day I was originally diagnosed with cancer.  I know things were "cooking" in there much longer than that, but things became "official" two years ago.  This past week, I've really been contemplating the fact that I'm still here & thinking about all the changes that have occurred during this time.  The other day I was reading some stories of cancer survivors---I don't know if you can call me a survivor since I'm still battling the darn thing, but, in some ways I feel as if I'm not only "surviving", but might actually be "thriving".  Don't get me wrong--if I were given the choice, this is absolutely not what I would choose in my life, but two year's perspective has helped me to see that this experience has been vital to my spiritual & emotional growth.  And then, when I have those days where I feel tired, achy, cranky, miserable & downright scared about where things are headed, I realize how much more I need to grow!
     Today we had a wonderful lesson & discussion in Relief Society on faith, & one of the "take away" lessons for me was to "give the Lord a chance" in our lives.  We are His children & can only begin to understand how much He loves us individually--each & every one of us.  He is just waiting to bless & help us with all that is going on in our lives--our small every day events are just as important to Him as the huge challenges we face.   Two years ago, my life circumstances made me humble myself  & give Him a chance to work His miracles in my life.  Each time I have truly exercised my faith in my Savior, He has blessed me in ways that are unmistakable!  I have felt His love & He has helped me to have peace & hope in His plan for me.  Sometimes the adversary is so strong with the doubts, worry & fear that he plants into my mind & heart, and I need to continually turn to the Savior for healing.  Some days I do better at this than other days.  How I wish that I were perfectly faithful & always turned to Him for guidance & help!  How much more joy, happiness & peace could I have, & could I bring to my family if I could do so?  But, the Savior is always faithful to me, granting me that portion of His spirit that I need most at that time, when I sincerely humble myself & pray to Him for help.  There is so much more in my heart that I wish I could articulate at this time.  I pray that some day I will be blessed to speak as the angels do & praise my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I have a testimony that He lives!  He is our Redeemer & His Atonement is real.  Love, Kim

Summer's Almost Over

     I've heard from several of you that it's been too long since I've written--I'm so sorry!  Our summer has been just as hectic, crazy & fun as everyone else's!  Jarett received his mission call & opened it when we were on our way down to the Grand Canyon for a quick family trip after the 4th of July.  He has been called to serve in the California San Bernardino Mission--Spanish speaking.  We are so excited for him!!! He doesn't leave to go into the MTC until November 14th, so he'll be moving home this month from Provo to spend the next 3 months.  It's going to be tough finding a job for this short time, so keep your fingers crossed for him.  His little brothers are thrilled that he'll be home full-time, & I'm just hoping not to drive him completely nuts before he leaves.  Unfortunately, having cancer has NOT diminished my ability to constantly nag.  If anything, it's made it worse--I feel I may have less time to teach my children how to be decent human beings, so sometimes I go into overdrive & make us all miserable.
     I did pretty good with my last chemo treatment--the burns weren't too awful & I was able to do okay with the tiredness.  Some good friends of ours, Jeff & Melanie Shaw, invited our family to go to Lake Powell with them during the time of the worst side effects & I handled them pretty well.  It was just wonderful to be there relaxing, reading, eating great food & having my boys all completely entertained--thank you Shaw Family!
     The new chemo schedule with the Doxil is going to be every 5 weeks--that seems to be the magic formula for letting my white blood counts get high enough to receive it.  I received my 4th treament of the Doxil yesterday, & just a few hours ago received the good news that my CA-125 had dropped from 65 to 53.  I'm somewhat surprised because I've had some stomach aches the past couple of weeks, & had worked my frenzied mind into thinking that the cancer was having a party inside of me again.  I feel sooo relieved & grateful.  I wish there were more words I could use besides "grateful" & "thankful" to describe my emotions.  I am not articulate, & that is one of the reasons why it takes me so long to write.  Your prayers are continuing to be felt & are so (gratefully) appreciated.  I know there are many others in need of prayers, & I try to be mindful of them as I pray.  I am especially grateful for Vern at this time.  He has many heavy burdens to bear, & he willingly & quietly bears them.  He has to deal with the worst parts of me, & on this cancer journey has patiently supported & loved me.  Heavenly Father & Jesus Christ are continually mindful of us--They love us & are so happy when we love each other.  Thank you for loving me.

Always, Kim  

This Summer So Far..

Things are going well so far this summer.  I went in last Monday, June 25th for my chemo treatment, but my white blood counts weren't high enough and they had to put it off until yesterday.  They still weren't quite where they wanted them to be, but Dr. Prystas decided to go ahead.  The Doxil has worked very well as my CA-125 has gone down to 65.  Whoo hoo!  That's the lowest it's ever been since I began this journey!  I'm still trying to get used to this new chemo treatment.  It is definitely much easier in many ways, but it's been kind of unpredictable.  With the last chemo, I knew that I was going to feel crummy for the first 5 days and then I'd feel better.  The Doxil is slowly released over a period of a few weeks, and so I'll be feeling good for some days and crummy for others--I just never know when I'm going to have the crummy days, so it's more difficult to plan things.  I also got some bad burns--from the inside out--on the skin between my fingers and toes about 18 days after my last treatment.  They are still sore & healing and I hope they won't get worse with this last treatment.  It has been an extremely busy summer so far.  We've had a lot of family company from out of state the last couple of weeks--and I have been really tired at times--but it has been wonderful to have them here!  I'm so thankful that I can still be here, and feeling well enough to have spent this time with them.  We are waiting for Jarett's mission call to arrive this week (hopefully), and I know this is going to bring some big changes in our lives the next few months.  Life is sooo good!  What a blessing to be on this earth at this time--to have my family, friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ--He is everything!!!  All my love, Kim

Just Trying to Keep Up

     Sorry to those of you who have been waiting for me to post.  Once school got out, it's just been crazy & I'm just doing my best to keep up with these kids of mine!  I had my last chemo treatment on May 29th & then received the good news that my CA-125 DID drop down to 148.  That was a huge surprise for us, since Dr. Prystas had told us a couple of times that we could expect it to actually go up the first couple of rounds.  The other really good news is that I can no longer even feel the lump in my chest muscle, so this chemo seems to be working pretty well.  It's actually the easiest I've had with all the different chemo drugs I've done.  In fact, I left for California 5 days after this last treatment & went to S. California with my boys & my sister's family.  We had a great time tromping around Disneyland & Legoland, but I have definitely been dragging since I got home.  In fact, about 3 weeks ago I ran into someone & caught myself telling them, "I don't know why I'm so darned tired!"  Then I remembered...Duh!  You have cancer....I actually thought that it was pretty cool that for a few minutes my thoughts weren't with this nasty cancer, & I was just trying to figure out why I was so darned tired that day. :-)  All in all, this summer has gotten off to a really good start & the next few weeks are filled with all sorts of fun activities with family & friends.
     I went to the S.L. Temple today & looked down at my temple recommend & realized that I need to get it renewed this month.  I just thought, "Yea!", because I remembered the first time I went to the temple after I was diagnosed & my recommend was still fairly new.  On that day, I was thinking, "I probably won't still be here to meet with the Bishop & Stake President for another one."  How incredibly excited I am to be able to meet with them this month & renew this precious piece of paper that allows me to attend the Temple.  Other than my own home, the Temple is the place I most want to be, & I can hardly wait for the day that all my children will be there with me & Vern.
     I continue to be so grateful for your faith, love & prayers.  Love, Kim

Running As Fast As I Can

     It has been a busy, busy past couple of weeks--I feel as if I've been running as fast as I can--both literally & figuratively.  Vern and Kali have been gone to Guatemala the past 10 days doing some sightseeing & some service dental work in a clinic down there.  They arrive home tomorrow & I can hardly wait to see them & hear all about their trip.  I'm so glad that things went well with my health before & during their trip, so that they could have this opportunity.  I'm grateful that they could serve in this way, as so much service has been given to us.  I've been busy shuttling the little boys back & forth between various sports & activities, & it's been good that Jarett's been home to do all my hard spring yard work the past 10 days.  It's been good to have him home--I always feel safer when he's here.  Today I walked/ran the last 9 miles of the Ogden Marathon with my friend, Heidi.  What a beautiful day & what a marvelous experience to be able to run the gorgeous canyon again!  By the time we finished, I felt like I was walking on "bloody stumps", but the emotional lift I received from doing it far outweighs the aches & pains I'm feeling tonight.  It was great to see old running friends while I was doing it, & so wonderful to be doing this with Heidi--we've had our ups & downs running this race over the past few years & this was definitely an "up" year for me.
     Today was a much needed boost for me after the beginning of my week.  I met with my surgeon, Dr. Reading, on Monday & learned that the lump in my breast is most likely another tumor.  She said that she can remove it if I want, but that she knows she wouldn't be able to get clean margins because it's in the chest muscle, & it will just likely reoccur in that area.  Since they know I still have cancer cells floating around in my abdomen, this new tumor doesn't really change anything as far as my treatment & the eventual outcome of this journey goes.  Since I've received the chemo, I've noticed that the lump is much less noticeable--it isn't tender like it was initially, & it's not as well defined.  Sooo...it appears that the new chemo drug is working on it.  It was kind of hard to hear the news--not that it was anything new--I knew I still had the darned cancer in me!  It just seems as if I will most likely be doing chemo until I can't do it anymore.  Sometimes I try to go through my days pretending that I don't have cancer, & this new lump just made it all the more visible physically for me.  But, as with each new twist & turn on this journey, I needed a few days to just process everything emotionally & cry.  I do cry once in awhile still, but I always feel better when I can focus on what I DO have, rather than on what I might not have.  I can't say thank you enough for the kind thoughts, words & prayers--I still feel protected by this big "bubble of love".  Love always, Kim

New Chemo

This is going to be a short one--it's Sunday night and I'm tired. It's been a good day--one of those days at church where you feel as if every lesson, talk and/or testimony is meant directly for you.  I've been weeping on and off throughout the day--not out of sadness--mostly out of gratitude for knowing that my needs are known and I'm being taken care of.  My numbers did go up again after my last chemo--darn!--so I had a CT scan last Monday, and then my chemo treatment with a new drug--Doxil.  Things went pretty well for both.  Not much shows up on the scan except for a soft tissue nodule in my chest, very close to where the tumor in my breast was initially.  Dr. Prystas isn't sure exactly what it is, or how it's related to my cancer.  She doesn't think that even if it is a new tumor, that it's responsible for my CA-125 numbers going up as much as they have--the cancer is obviously still at work in my body on the cellular level.  I'm working on getting an appointment with my surgeon to figure out what to do with the nodule.  It appears to be just between the skin and my rib cage, so hopefully it will be easy to remove if that's what we decide to do.  The chemo doesn't seem to be as bad as what I've done in the past.  I actually felt pretty well Monday through Wednesday.  I went to bed Wednesday night starting to worry that because I wasn't feeling terrible, the chemo must not be working.  What a blessing to wake up Thursday morning feeling achy & tired! I've had moments where the worry, fear and discouragement start to set in, but for the most part I'm feeling at peace with everything.  I have to keep looking at the "big picture" and remember how thankful I am to still be here and participating in my family's life.  Kali graduated from USU yesterday--YEA!--and it was a marvelous blessing to be able to see her walk across that stage.  I am incredibly proud of her and the young woman she has become.  A year ago, I couldn't even imagine being able to have the experience I had yesterday--every day is a bonus and a blessing.  Thank you again for the prayers--I feel as if I've been wrapped up in a big "bubble" these past couple of weeks.  This "bubble" has protected me from the discouragement that could so easily beset me at this time.  The prayers are doing so much to strengthen and bless me--thank you again.  Love always, Kim