Well, I had my 16th chemo treatment two days ago, & received my CA-125 numbers yesterday. Unfortunately, they've gone from 82 to 173. I can't say that I was surprised. I've just had a feeling this past week that things weren't going to continue to go as smoothly as they had been. In fact, I had a couple of "tender mercy" experiences on Sunday, that I think helped prepare me to receive the news, so I'm doing pretty good. Dr. Prystas says that it's possible there was a lab error in running the blood test, and so I'll go to McKay-Dee next Wednesday to have my blood drawn & redo the test. If the numbers are still elevated, then she'll probably order another scan to see if perhaps there is a small tumor growing somehwere that can be surgically removed. If they don't see any signs of a tumor, then she'll probably switch my chemo medications. Fortunately, one of the drugs that was unavailable to me last fall is now available, & she thinks that would be a good choice. I won't know anything until next Thursday or Friday.
In the meantime, life goes on. I'm receiving my Christmas present this weekend from Vern--tickets to see the Donny & Marie show in Las Vegas. We'll be heading down to Vegas on Friday morning to spend the weekend. I am so excited! My kids think I'm lame, and I don't know that Vern's real excited about the show, but I am thrilled to be seeing my childhood crush. Vern puts so much thought into his gifts to me, & I am really very grateful to be going--it will be a nice break for the two of us. Next week I'll be heading to BYU Women's Conference with Mom, my aunt Phyllis, Julie, Heidi, Elsie & some friends. I am so happy to be able to go down there, and know that it will be the best place for me--physically & spiritually--to get whatever the news is going to be from Dr. Prystas.
Thank you all again for your sweet thoughts & prayers. I have heard from so many of you these past few weeks, & am continually touched by your continuing to think of me, and serve me & my family. I am so blessed to be loved by so many of you--this has been an incredibly difficult, yet sweet experience for me. I have really come to know how much Heavenly Father loves each of us, & how very involved He is in our lives. I know that I probably receive so many more "tender mercies" from Him than I am even aware of, & I hope I can open my eyes better to see His blessings & workings in my life. Love, Kim
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
My veins are shot!
I had my 14th chemo treatment on Monday, & my veins are finally done for. Kathy (the wonder nurse) has been just awesome at always being able to find a vein & get the needle in with the minimum of pain & fuss, but it's been a bit more challenging for her the past couple of times. On Monday, she just couldn't find one on my left arm that would work at all--she had to put it in the right, which is not ideal since I had 11 lymph nodes removed from that side & have to be careful about anything involving the circulatory system in that arm. I am headed into LDS Hospital this afternoon for a small procedure to implant a port-a-cath into my chest that will make receiving the chemo & doing blood work extremely easy. You may be wondering why this wasn't done 18 months ago, because many people have this done before they ever start any chemo. Well, one of the downsides to it is that you then have to take a blood-thinner every day to reduce the risk of blood clots--although I've been told that the dosage is so small that I probably won't notice the side effects of it. And Kathy explained to me on Monday that they try to let their patients go as long as possible without a port, because when you first get that nasty cancer diagnosis there is so much that changes in your life & not having a port is just one more way that we can keep things somewhat "normal". I am really glad that I've been able to go 18 months without one--Kathy has been so good at doing my IV's that it's not been that awful & it's been nice not to have to have one more weird thing going on in my body. Soooo, as you can well imagine I am, once again, NOT excited about the upcoming swimsuit season.
On the upside, my CA-125 numbers dropped from 90 to 82--yea! It's not a huge drop, but because it's getting down under 100, it's not likely to drop drastically. It's just wonderful that it dropped! At this point in time, the plan is to keep doing chemo every other week until my numbers quit dropping. If & when they stabilize, we may continue to do the chemo, but just not as frequently--maybe every 3-4 weeks.
The last couple of weeks I have been trying to prepare for a talk I get to give next Thursday at a RS Birthday Social. The theme for the evening is "We are His Hands", & I have been spending time re-reading through the last 18 months of journal entries. This is honestly the first time in my entire life when I have kept a journal on a regular basis. I have really gained a testimony of the importance of writing our life experiences & thoughts down. I know it's a blessing at the time I write, because it helps my mind to focus on the good things that occur each day & increases my gratitude. But, I am now seeing what a blessing it is to re-read and remember the "tender mercies" of the Lord. Some people reading my journal might say that the things that occur daily in my life are small & insignificant--that many of the sweet things that occur are just coincidences. That is not how I see them--as I read them, I am reminded again of the love my Heavenly Father has for me, & the small & simple ways that He expresses His love. As I read the entries about the service that others have performed for me & my family, my heart swells once again with love & gratitude for them. I don't think my children read this blog-- but if they ever do, one thing I would tell them to do is keep a journal & write every day about the blessings & tender mercies they 've received that day. When you know you are going to write it down & express thanks to God for it, I believe your eyes are more open to the blessings & little miracles that He is continually bestowing upon all His children. Much love, Kim
On the upside, my CA-125 numbers dropped from 90 to 82--yea! It's not a huge drop, but because it's getting down under 100, it's not likely to drop drastically. It's just wonderful that it dropped! At this point in time, the plan is to keep doing chemo every other week until my numbers quit dropping. If & when they stabilize, we may continue to do the chemo, but just not as frequently--maybe every 3-4 weeks.
The last couple of weeks I have been trying to prepare for a talk I get to give next Thursday at a RS Birthday Social. The theme for the evening is "We are His Hands", & I have been spending time re-reading through the last 18 months of journal entries. This is honestly the first time in my entire life when I have kept a journal on a regular basis. I have really gained a testimony of the importance of writing our life experiences & thoughts down. I know it's a blessing at the time I write, because it helps my mind to focus on the good things that occur each day & increases my gratitude. But, I am now seeing what a blessing it is to re-read and remember the "tender mercies" of the Lord. Some people reading my journal might say that the things that occur daily in my life are small & insignificant--that many of the sweet things that occur are just coincidences. That is not how I see them--as I read them, I am reminded again of the love my Heavenly Father has for me, & the small & simple ways that He expresses His love. As I read the entries about the service that others have performed for me & my family, my heart swells once again with love & gratitude for them. I don't think my children read this blog-- but if they ever do, one thing I would tell them to do is keep a journal & write every day about the blessings & tender mercies they 've received that day. When you know you are going to write it down & express thanks to God for it, I believe your eyes are more open to the blessings & little miracles that He is continually bestowing upon all His children. Much love, Kim
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Trying to See the Big Picture
I had my 12th treatment this week, & received the call the next day telling me that my CA-125 numbers went down again from 161 to 90. I'm just amazed that they have continued to come down significantly each time with this different protocol, especially since the side effects aren't near as bad as what I went through last year. I have really felt well the past month--other than the tiredness (which may be completely normal for someone closer to 50 than 40!), I have had relatively few of the weird aches & pains on my "off" week that had so plagued me in the first few months. Many days I feel almost as normal as I did before I got sick.
I read a book this week, a memoir about cancer called "Between Me & The River", by Carrie Host. It's an excellent book & her experiences have been very similar to mine--although she is a very gifted writer & has the ability to articulate her thoughts, feelings & experiences much better than I ever could. I very much relate to her feelings about "living" with cancer, because that seems to be the part I'm struggling with right now. Each day I awake with my heart full of gratitude that I've been granted one more day, but then find myself sliding back into old habits & weaknesses when I was so hoping that this whole cancer thing would make me practically perfect--aarrgh! One small example(among many I could use): I have now found the 20 lbs. I initially lost the first couple of months & then at least another 10, not counting all the weight I should have lost with the many body parts that are now missing. I've officially moved out of my "fat" pants & need to order a bigger size & that has been causing me a ridiculously stupid amount of time & mental energy. I remember just 16 months ago when I looked like death warmed over, I promised Heavenly Father that if He would just let me live to raise my children, I would NEVER, EVER again worry about my weight &/or what I looked like--I am so frustrated that I'm right back to square one with this!
Over the years, as I've read through the Bible & Book of Mormon, I have been dumfounded at the many times the Lord comes in to rescue His rebellious children only to have them turn around within a short period of time & go back to their old ways. I have marveled at what I've thought was their stupidity, & His absolute love, compassion & patience with them. I am incredibly grateful for these scriptures that remind me again & again of His plan for us, and His patience & longsuffering with our weaknesses. I am striving every day to keep looking at the BIG picture & remember what this life is all about--loving God & loving others. That's it--everything else is just a distraction that takes my energy away from those two things that will bring me eternal happiness, & help bring the same gift to those I love. Tomorrow is another day, & hopefully I'll be here to have a go at it! Love always, Kim
I read a book this week, a memoir about cancer called "Between Me & The River", by Carrie Host. It's an excellent book & her experiences have been very similar to mine--although she is a very gifted writer & has the ability to articulate her thoughts, feelings & experiences much better than I ever could. I very much relate to her feelings about "living" with cancer, because that seems to be the part I'm struggling with right now. Each day I awake with my heart full of gratitude that I've been granted one more day, but then find myself sliding back into old habits & weaknesses when I was so hoping that this whole cancer thing would make me practically perfect--aarrgh! One small example(among many I could use): I have now found the 20 lbs. I initially lost the first couple of months & then at least another 10, not counting all the weight I should have lost with the many body parts that are now missing. I've officially moved out of my "fat" pants & need to order a bigger size & that has been causing me a ridiculously stupid amount of time & mental energy. I remember just 16 months ago when I looked like death warmed over, I promised Heavenly Father that if He would just let me live to raise my children, I would NEVER, EVER again worry about my weight &/or what I looked like--I am so frustrated that I'm right back to square one with this!
Over the years, as I've read through the Bible & Book of Mormon, I have been dumfounded at the many times the Lord comes in to rescue His rebellious children only to have them turn around within a short period of time & go back to their old ways. I have marveled at what I've thought was their stupidity, & His absolute love, compassion & patience with them. I am incredibly grateful for these scriptures that remind me again & again of His plan for us, and His patience & longsuffering with our weaknesses. I am striving every day to keep looking at the BIG picture & remember what this life is all about--loving God & loving others. That's it--everything else is just a distraction that takes my energy away from those two things that will bring me eternal happiness, & help bring the same gift to those I love. Tomorrow is another day, & hopefully I'll be here to have a go at it! Love always, Kim
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Numbers are Still Coming Down
Disneyland 2012
I'm on the tail-end of a chemo treatment today. I had it on Monday, the 23rd & am just today feeling almost normal. I was able to go out to dinner & a movie last night with Sue, but was still feeling funky & had a bad stomachache after dinner. I need to learn to take it easy--when food finally starts really sounding good I have a tendency to go crazy & eat too much, & my stomach just isn't able to handle it all! I was so pleased to learn this week that my numbers had dropped this last month from 266 to 161. I have to say that I was very surprised. I really felt that they were going to stay pretty much the same, or go up. It seems that the farther along I go with the chemo treatments, the more weird "symptoms" I feel in my abdomen--so it kind of messes with my mind. I've noticed that I'm much more tired this time around than with the chemo I was doing last year, & I've been alot more emotional these past few weeks. So many people tell me that I'm handling things so well, but there are some days that are incredibly difficult emotionally, & I do throw myself a "pity party" every now & again. I am so very grateful that my Mom is with me the weeks I do chemo. I am in awe at the number of people I hear about who are doing chemo & still going to work at their jobs! Mom does so much to help me with the kids, the house, laundry & meals--but just having her with me during the day--so I'm not alone--is the greatest blessing.
We had a fun trip to Disneyland 2 weeks ago--the weather was great & there were 15 members of the Cloward family who joined with us. We'd rented a house all together & the kids just had a marvelous time with each other! How grateful I am to have such great family & to be so close to them--we truly love & enjoy each other.
Thank you, thank you to all who continue to keep me in your thoughts & prayers. I am continually bowled over by the kindness of so many of you--the sweet notes, texts, calls, words of comfort & hugs mean so much to me. I am ever mindful that there are many others that are struggling with all manner of "diseases"--whether they be physically, mentally or emotionally. And it is our privilege & blessing to be able to offer up whatever we have to help ease their burdens. Our Heavenly Father's plan is just perfect, & I am thankful that He uses us as instruments in His hands to bless each other--both those who give, & those who receive are blessed by His love. Thank you so much for giving to me. Love always, Kim
Sunday, January 1, 2012
It's A(nother) New Year!
Christmas EveMom told me today that it was time to update my blog...I'm either feeling yucky (chemo week) or so busy (non-chemo week) & I'm not very good at doing this. I am feeling very blessed to be able to welcome in another new year, even though it was pretty low-key at our place last night. I did the end-of-year bookkeeping for the dental office on New Year's Eve day & then Vern & I caught a quick bite around 2pm. I layed around the rest of the evening just resting & watching TV--boring. The boys were busy playing video games most of yesterday, & around 10pm, Braedon wondered why we weren't having a party--it was a pretty lame night. Everyone but Vern & Jarett were asleep by midnight.
I also just love when Christmas falls on a Sunday & we have the opportunity of attending church. My heart was just full as I sat there surrounded by people I love, & who have shown their love so abundantly to me. I am so very grateful to my Savior for making all these wonderful things possible in my life! His birth, perfect life & atonement are priceless gifts that I know I am completely unworthy of--I marvel at His love for me.
I went in for my chemo treatment just this last Tuesday & received the good news that my CA-125 numbers are continuing to come down (from 412 to 266) & my other organs seem to be
holding up okay under the onslaught of the drugs. I'm still feeling a little funky today, but I'm sure that it's because the holidays were too much fun & I know we're all more than a little tired. I'm going in for another treatment this Friday, which is earlier than I normally go, because we have a little family trip scheduled for the following week & I want to be "over" the worst & feeling good for it.
I've had a good start to the new year, & am looking forward to setting some goals & working to achieve them. While I feel as if I've grown so much this past year, there are also many days where I question whether I'm doing very well with this precious time I've been granted--I've really slacked off in certain areas & have used the cancer & chemo as my excuse. I'm so thankful for opportunities to start anew, & thankful to my Savior for making it possible. Know how much I love all of you, & am continually thankful for your love & support. It's been wonderful to hear from, & see, so many friends this past month. Love always, Kim
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Early Christmas Present
I received an early Christmas gift from Dr. Prystas' office this morning when they called to tell me that my CA-125 levels have dropped from 1191 to 412. This time around, before they started dropping, it was as high as over 2000--so this is really terrific news! I'm only going every other week for chemo now, & they are only doing the blood test once a month. It's always wonderful to get such good news when the side effects from the chemo are really kicking in & I'm starting to feel crummy. I was worried that not being able to do 3 treatments a month with this medication wasn't going to work very well, but am pleased that they have found a pretty good dosage & schedule. Mom is still coming up each week I do chemo (she's busy cleaning bathrooms & dusting as I write!), & I've been having different friends take me down for my treatments once a month. It has been such a pleasure to share this experience with these good friends.
Thanksgiving was marvelous! My entire family spent it at my Mom & Dad's this year, & it was just a great day! I was grateful to have the week off of chemo & be able to really enjoy the experience. Kali & Jarett were both home during the holiday & had friends over several times. It was just a wonderful weekend! As we sat around the table at Mom & Dad's & shared what we were most thankful for on Thanksgiving, I said that although I'm not quite sure I can say that I'm thankful for cancer (that's pushing it a bit!), I am so very grateful for the blessing cancer has given me of drawing closer to my Heavenly Father & Savior, Jesus Christ. I am also thankful for the blessing of being so loved & having my love also grow deeper for my family, relatives, friends, ward members, people in this beautiful valley, doctors & even strangers I've met through this experience. These past 14 months have given me such a profound appreciation for the power of love, compassion & charity in our lives. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all experience this each & every day of our lives? Thank you again for your love, prayers & faith--it means everything to me. Love always, Kim
Thanksgiving was marvelous! My entire family spent it at my Mom & Dad's this year, & it was just a great day! I was grateful to have the week off of chemo & be able to really enjoy the experience. Kali & Jarett were both home during the holiday & had friends over several times. It was just a wonderful weekend! As we sat around the table at Mom & Dad's & shared what we were most thankful for on Thanksgiving, I said that although I'm not quite sure I can say that I'm thankful for cancer (that's pushing it a bit!), I am so very grateful for the blessing cancer has given me of drawing closer to my Heavenly Father & Savior, Jesus Christ. I am also thankful for the blessing of being so loved & having my love also grow deeper for my family, relatives, friends, ward members, people in this beautiful valley, doctors & even strangers I've met through this experience. These past 14 months have given me such a profound appreciation for the power of love, compassion & charity in our lives. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all experience this each & every day of our lives? Thank you again for your love, prayers & faith--it means everything to me. Love always, Kim
Friday, November 4, 2011
Just plugging along
It's been awhile since I last wrote, but I'm just plugging along. I went in for chemo on Oct 24th, but my white blood counts were too low & they weren't able to do it--so I ended up having that week off. My chest cavity has stayed pretty clear & I've been able to continue breathing easily--yea! I went in this last Monday, & my blood counts were good so I was able to go ahead with the chemo treatment. Apparently the chemo, Gemzar, is pretty hard on the bone marrow, so Dr. Prystas is "tweaking" the dosage so that I will be able to continue with the 2 weeks on/1 off schedule. The side effects this week haven't been as bad as they were the first three times. It's Friday, & other than extreme fatigue hitting me periodically throughout the day, I'm doing good. Mom was with me for most of the week--taking care of loads of laundry, cleaning the house & running boys to and fro. We've also had some wonderful meals brought in, & with having my lungs working better, it's easier to eat--I'm sure I'll be putting on weight again with all this good food! Here are some pictures we took when I went to my chemo appointment Monday. I want everyone to see these wonderful ladies who take such great care of me.
Dr. Prystas, Me & Kathy(the most fabulous nurse!)
Jeri, Val & Amy (what fun gals--always smiling & laughing)
Enjoying my "chemo cocktail" in the party room
It's not always a fun process, but I am so incredibly grateful for these wonderful ladies in my life. They are so compassionate and show their love for me and my family in so many ways.
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