Trying to See the Big Picture

I had my 12th treatment this week, & received the call the next day telling me that my CA-125 numbers went down again from 161 to 90. I'm just amazed that they have continued to come down significantly each time with this different protocol, especially since the side effects aren't near as bad as what I went through last year. I have really felt well the past month--other than the tiredness (which may be completely normal for someone closer to 50 than 40!), I have had relatively few of the weird aches & pains on my "off" week that had so plagued me in the first few months. Many days I feel almost as normal as I did before I got sick.

I read a book this week, a memoir about cancer called "Between Me & The River", by Carrie Host. It's an excellent book & her experiences have been very similar to mine--although she is a very gifted writer & has the ability to articulate her thoughts, feelings & experiences much better than I ever could. I very much relate to her feelings about "living" with cancer, because that seems to be the part I'm struggling with right now. Each day I awake with my heart full of gratitude that I've been granted one more day, but then find myself sliding back into old habits & weaknesses when I was so hoping that this whole cancer thing would make me practically perfect--aarrgh! One small example(among many I could use): I have now found the 20 lbs. I initially lost the first couple of months & then at least another 10, not counting all the weight I should have lost with the many body parts that are now missing. I've officially moved out of my "fat" pants & need to order a bigger size & that has been causing me a ridiculously stupid amount of time & mental energy. I remember just 16 months ago when I looked like death warmed over, I promised Heavenly Father that if He would just let me live to raise my children, I would NEVER, EVER again worry about my weight &/or what I looked like--I am so frustrated that I'm right back to square one with this!

Over the years, as I've read through the Bible & Book of Mormon, I have been dumfounded at the many times the Lord comes in to rescue His rebellious children only to have them turn around within a short period of time & go back to their old ways. I have marveled at what I've thought was their stupidity, & His absolute love, compassion & patience with them. I am incredibly grateful for these scriptures that remind me again & again of His plan for us, and His patience & longsuffering with our weaknesses. I am striving every day to keep looking at the BIG picture & remember what this life is all about--loving God & loving others. That's it--everything else is just a distraction that takes my energy away from those two things that will bring me eternal happiness, & help bring the same gift to those I love. Tomorrow is another day, & hopefully I'll be here to have a go at it! Love always, Kim