February 26, 2011

Heidi has told me that sometimes people have asked her if I'm really doing as well as I seem to be--they've wondered if I'm perhaps "whitewashing" my experiences for this blog. I don't think I've done that. I've tried to be as honest as I can about what I'm going through--it's hard for me to write this knowing that so many others may be reading it. I just try to think of it as a way for me to journal my experience for myself and my children, and I am choosing to focus on the positive aspects of it as much as I can. Believe me, though, there are some difficult days and yesterday was one of them. I had my chemo tx on Wednesday, and as of yesterday & today, am feeling the worst part of the side effects. I called Dr. Prystas' office yesterday to find out what my CA-125 numbers had gone to, and they had only dropped from 107 to 100. This was a huge disappointment, and I threw myself a "pity party" for alot of the day. I called back to the office to talk to Kathy, Dr. Prystas' nurse, and she helped me put things into perspective a bit. She's more than a nurse--she has to be part therapist also. It's hard thinking of how awful the last chemo tx was, and then to know that despite all that, my counts only went down 7 points. It makes it tougher going through this treatment. I had a bad allergic reaction to one of the chemo meds during my transfusion Wednesday, so they won't be able to use that drug anymore. It sounds like I will maybe only have one or two more chemo treatments left to do--I'm kind of getting to the limit of what they'll do with this regimen & they are scheduling me for a CT scan of the breast to see if surgery is an option at this point. I am still hoping & praying to be completely cured, but realize that I had alot of disease--tumors in two places of my body--and that this may be more of a chronic condition that I will need to deal with long-term. Kathy says that sometimes patients numbers go up during chemo tx, and then may drop again significantly--everybody is different and they just can't predict it. But I may also have to accept the possibility that my numbers may never go under 35, & it may just be that I'll have to deal with having maintenance chemotherapy and/or surgeries every so often & make the best of all the times in between that I feel good.
There is so much that I don't know about all that's going on, and where things are headed in my life. I've spent most of my life deluding myself that I'm in complete control--I've always had structure & a plan! Realizing that I don't have control over everything is a huge challenge for me. But, one thing I do know for sure is that I have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love me. Because They can see with an eternal perspective--past, present, future--I always have Their attention. They know what I'm going through; what I am, and am not capable of, and what is best for me and my family--in this life and for eternity. I know that in the Garden of Gesthemane and on the cross, my Savior has already suffered all that I am going through, and because of this, He is the one person I turn to for strength & comfort. I know also that He daily inspires all the good people in my life. Every day I am loved and receive Christ-like service. Every day there are tender mercies to get me through the day, and yesterday was no exception. I love you all. I am grateful for your faith & prayers. Love always, Kim

Valentine's Greetings

It's been awhile since I've written. Last week was kind of rough--I wasn't feeling well physically, and my spirits were also a little down. It's challenging waiting for the CA-125 numbers to come back after my chemo treatments. I feel like there's a "fine line" between staying positive & optimistic about the results, and also being realistic. I was really hoping to have my numbers in the double-digits this last time, and to be only 8 points away from achieving that was kind of hard. I knew realistically that things were going to slow down the lower the numbers got, but because they had gone down so significantly each time it was hard to not have it go down alot this last time. But...this week I'm feeling so much better physically and emotionally. Throughout this entire experience, I feel more keenly the strong link between the physical & the spiritual. I am grateful to be continually learning things about myself and my purpose in this life. I was speaking to a wonderful lady earlier in the week, who has also gone through some pretty difficult challenges in her life. We were reflecting on the fact that these experiences we've had have been absolutely necessary for our spiritual growth and progression. If our lives had just gone on as they were, there would have been no other way we could have grown spiritually as we were meant to. I just hope that I can keep these things in mind as other "bumps in the road" occur that are difficult to deal with.
One thing I am especially grateful for this week is the faith and prayers of little children. This last month I've had the opportunity to meet with several young children who have been praying daily for me. I can't begin to describe how touched my heart has been to learn of, and meet with, these precious children of our Heavenly Father. Their faith is so pure and strong, and I am so thankful for their prayers--I know that He especially listens to, and answers their prayers. Thank you, parents, for teaching these young ones to pray and exercise their faith on my behalf.
Yesterday, I also had the great blessing of having my mom's sisters (otherwise known as the "sisty uglers") come to visit me. We had a wonderful visit (albeit short!), and they tied a new quilt to fit on my bed. They, and their families, have been such a support to my family and especially to my Mom, as she serves us all.
I was really hoping to be done with the chemo by this point--I feel like I have been one of the longest running service projects--and am continually thankful for the many acts of kindness & service still being given to us. I can't believe that 5 months into this, everyone is still so thoughtful and generous--you are wonderful and I love you! Happy Valentines's Day! Love always, Kim

February 2, post from "the Mom"

Kim asked me to update her blog today. As you read on the last blog, Kim wasn't feeling too well. She had an infection at the incision site that caused her some grief (and anxiety on my part) for quite a few days. In fact, she usually has about 12 'good' days between her chemo treatments. Not so this last time! She only had about 4 of the 'good' days...so this time, she's not bouncing back as fast. Of course, as the treatments continue, she seems to get a little more tired and it's taking a bit longer for her to get back to her perky self. We're hoping the "little abscess pocket" will correct itself but she knows now what to do if it recurs. Anyway, the numbers came back today...107 from 150. She was hoping it would be in the double digits but we'll take 107. They are continuing to drop! She is going to have more than the 6 treatments originally scheduled...possibly 7, 8 or 9...however many her body can tolerate the toxicity and the numbers are decreasing. We are so grateful for all of your prayers...we know that our Father in Heaven is hearing every one of them, that He knows Kim and each one of us personally. We are grateful for the good medical care that is available for her. The advancements just in the past 2-5 years are amazing.

Kim is the most amazing gal I know....she teaches me every day that I'm with her by her Christlike example! What an honor to be her Mom As her Mom (and Dad and siblings) we thank everyone of you that have been and continue to be Angels...for all of the meals, help with the kids, help with the house and everything else that you do....especially the prayers.
We dearly love every one of you! Fern