Heidi has told me that sometimes people have asked her if I'm really doing as well as I seem to be--they've wondered if I'm perhaps "whitewashing" my experiences for this blog. I don't think I've done that. I've tried to be as honest as I can about what I'm going through--it's hard for me to write this knowing that so many others may be reading it. I just try to think of it as a way for me to journal my experience for myself and my children, and I am choosing to focus on the positive aspects of it as much as I can. Believe me, though, there are some difficult days and yesterday was one of them. I had my chemo tx on Wednesday, and as of yesterday & today, am feeling the worst part of the side effects. I called Dr. Prystas' office yesterday to find out what my CA-125 numbers had gone to, and they had only dropped from 107 to 100. This was a huge disappointment, and I threw myself a "pity party" for alot of the day. I called back to the office to talk to Kathy, Dr. Prystas' nurse, and she helped me put things into perspective a bit. She's more than a nurse--she has to be part therapist also. It's hard thinking of how awful the last chemo tx was, and then to know that despite all that, my counts only went down 7 points. It makes it tougher going through this treatment. I had a bad allergic reaction to one of the chemo meds during my transfusion Wednesday, so they won't be able to use that drug anymore. It sounds like I will maybe only have one or two more chemo treatments left to do--I'm kind of getting to the limit of what they'll do with this regimen & they are scheduling me for a CT scan of the breast to see if surgery is an option at this point. I am still hoping & praying to be completely cured, but realize that I had alot of disease--tumors in two places of my body--and that this may be more of a chronic condition that I will need to deal with long-term. Kathy says that sometimes patients numbers go up during chemo tx, and then may drop again significantly--everybody is different and they just can't predict it. But I may also have to accept the possibility that my numbers may never go under 35, & it may just be that I'll have to deal with having maintenance chemotherapy and/or surgeries every so often & make the best of all the times in between that I feel good.
There is so much that I don't know about all that's going on, and where things are headed in my life. I've spent most of my life deluding myself that I'm in complete control--I've always had structure & a plan! Realizing that I don't have control over everything is a huge challenge for me. But, one thing I do know for sure is that I have a Father in Heaven and a Savior who love me. Because They can see with an eternal perspective--past, present, future--I always have Their attention. They know what I'm going through; what I am, and am not capable of, and what is best for me and my family--in this life and for eternity. I know that in the Garden of Gesthemane and on the cross, my Savior has already suffered all that I am going through, and because of this, He is the one person I turn to for strength & comfort. I know also that He daily inspires all the good people in my life. Every day I am loved and receive Christ-like service. Every day there are tender mercies to get me through the day, and yesterday was no exception. I love you all. I am grateful for your faith & prayers. Love always, Kim
Kim,
ReplyDeleteI love you and love reading our blogs. Your honesty and love radiate through your writing. you have always been such a postive influence on my life and for those around you.
Prayers are with you always!
xoxox
Cindy Friel-Ovard
Kim,
ReplyDeleteI love you too, and I also love reading your blogs. It helps to know what you are going through (without you having to tell a million people over and over again) so we can support you best. I don't think it's bad to focus on the positive. The power of positive thinking is backed by research (the "mind-body-spirit" has a powerful connection). We all know there is a lot of pain and sadness associated with this journey. However, you do have a lot of reason to be hopeful because you are being watched over from Heaven.
You are also being watched over from earth. You are surrounded in prayers and love.
London
Dear Kim,
ReplyDeleteI hold you in my heart. We pray for you.
People who've never gone through cancer or had anyone endure this process don't understand the complexities. One of the frustrations is not understanding the medical aspect. It seems obvious - cancer, chemo, counts, etc. But somehow, from you to the results, the medical technicalities swallow the truth up and at times you're left with more questions than answers. What a blessing your nurse is. Most people don't have that great source, but still the medical answers are surface. Surface answers don't bring peace. Certainly, what cancer patients seek for the most is peace. And maybe that is really the crux of the matter - where do we turn for peace? Do we rely on medical answers? If so, I'm afraid Peace will elude the seeker. How fortunate we are that, how fortunate you are to know where to turn for Peace. Not only do you know, but you have done exactly that, turned to the Lord for peace.
In the N.T., Jesus said that anyone that came unto Him, the Father would give unto Him. You are His. There is no greater gift. When you are truly His, you experience the Peace that surpasses all understanding. Reward for an eye single to Him is the gift of Charity. You've been blessed with that through this experience.
There is opposition in all things. In the greatest trials, waits the greatest gift. However, Kim, not all receive. Thank you for being such a beautiful and sincere example of what happens when you face the Lord in trials, and receive that which He has for you.