Small & Simple Things

Well, I can give a big sigh of relief--the bone scan results came back clear and we're all set to go this week with my surgery. I was more worried about it than I would have liked to admit--I have been achy all over, but the pain in my left upper arm was so consistent and intense each day that I was sure the cancer had spread. Of course, since I received the news, it's not bothered me near as much as it did before! I can see that having cancer kind of messes with your head, and changes your outlook in ways that aren't always positive.
I received the news in Provo where I was attending BYU Women's Conference with Mom, Julie and Heidi. It was a wonderful conference, and just the place I needed to be with my worrying. All of the classes I attended offered some good insights and the Spirit was strong there. It was wonderful to get away with these wonderful women whom I love so much, and just enjoy being with them. Elder & Sister Bednar's messages were especially inspiring to me. The theme of the conference was from Alma 37: 6-7: "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." I spent alot of time those two days thinking about all the "small & simple things" that have consistently been done for me and my family by so many of you. These "small & simple things" have lessened my burdens and have greatly affected my outlook & attitude--thank you. I am also very thankful for the many "small & simple things" my Heavenly Father & Savior have done for me. I've been trying to write in a gratitude journal each day since my diagnosis--it has been a very small thing for me to do, but has helped me to really see all the great things that have occurred in my life. I am grateful that I have the gift of sight so I can write and read the about the small & simple things that happen each day in my life. It is so interesting to me that as we recognize our blessings and express gratitude to our Maker for giving them, He pours out even greater blessings upon us. I love you all and thank you for your prayers for me this week. Love always, Kim

Just Enjoying the Wait

Once again, the other day I spoke with someone who told me they wished I would post more often on the blog--and I honestly don't know what to write most days. Right now my life is incredibly boring. I am back to cooking for my family, cleaning my house & doing laundry, trying to grow hair and eyelashes, organizing photos and closets, and driving kids to and from activities. Can I say that I am absolutely loving life right now?

Vern and I met with the surgeon again today to find out a little bit more detail about the surgery next week. I've had a weird ache in my left arm for the past couple of weeks, and they're going to scan it on Wednesday, just to put my mind at ease; but honestly, I ache everywhere most days. I am trying to stay active because if I sit or lay for too long I'm like an 80- year old trying to get moving again. I am getting a little anxious about the surgery, but have been assured that it probably won't be as bad as my last one was. I am just trying to enjoy every day that I feel good and am able to be somewhat "normal" again (although I'm not sure if I've ever been completely normal!).

I was quite emotional all day yesterday--I don't know why I bothered putting any make-up on my 17 eyelashes because I had it all cried off within an hour. It was just that Easter day was a wonderful opportunity for me to read about and ponder on the priceless gift of the Atonement and Resurrection of the Savior. This Easter was more meaningful for me than I can remember. I'm sure it's because of all that my family and I have experienced these past 7 months. I have been so thankful that I have not had to suffer through this alone. I know that my Savior knows exactly what I am going through, and how best to comfort and help me, because He went through it--and so much more--in the garden of Gethsemane. The love that He has for me is at times almost incomprehensible, but I know that it is real. I am thankful also for His Resurrection. It gives me hope during my darkest hours that this life is not all there is--that our relationships are eternal, and our bodies will one day be gloriously reunited with our spirits. I know that none of this would be possible without His love & His perfect sacrifice--I would be utterly & completely lost without Him.

I wish I were more articulate and could better express my thoughts, love & gratitude to all who have fasted and prayed for me, and have given service to my family and me. Please know how grateful I am for you, how much I love you, and that I know our Heavenly Father sees all these wonderful things and will bless you for them.

Back Home

We got home from our trip Tuesday morning around 2am, and I've been trying all week to catch up. It was a fabulous trip! We took the red-eye to Orlando on April 1st and then met up with Vern's sister, Rosie, and her family later that afternoon. My sister, Julie, and her family arrived in the early morning hours on Sunday. There were 20 of us altogether--with 13 kids--and we rented a house for the first 6 nights of our trip. We spent each day either playing in Universal Studios or the Wet'nWild water park. The weather was around 90 degrees each day, and the parks were crowded, but we had a great time! The majority of us were most excited to spend time in "Harry Potter World" at Universal Studios, and we spent quite alot of time there wandering the street & shops, drinking butterbeer and riding the rides. If you're a Harry Potter fan, you'll feel like you've just been transported to Hogsmeade & Hogwarts--Jarett & Braedon especially loved it! Then, we went to Port Canaveral and got on a little 3-night cruise to the Bahamas. That was the perfect way to end the trip. I was pretty exhausted by that time, and it was good to have the opportunity to just relax on the ship and let the kids just go. The boys loved having the freedom to come and go, and eat whenever and whatever they wanted without having me nagging at them. I think they ate at least 6 ice cream cones a day and countless pieces of pizza (even in their beds at midnight!) We have all marveled at how good the kids were! They rarely got enough sleep, and as my brother-in-law, Jeff, put it: "Trying to get this many people any place is like trying to herd cats!", but they all got along the entire trip! They never fought with each other, got whiny, or hurt each other's feelings at any time. This trip was just what my family and I needed at this time, and we are so grateful to Nana, the Leishman's and the Hatch's for making it all work and giving us such a wonderful time!

On Tuesday, I had to go into McKay-Dee for a chest x-ray to check the fluid in my chest cavity and have blood taken for the CA-125 test. I was so surprised to hear from Dr. Prystas' office on Wednesday that my levels had gone from 91 to 79. Since they had only been able to give me the one chemo medication on that last treatment instead of the two I normally received, I was not expecting it to go down at all. In fact, I was kind of worried that it might have even gone up--I was so relieved to hear that the chemo was still working. While I have loved not feeling sick the last couple of weeks, and am feeling my strength coming back and some hair growing back in (holy cow--there is so much gray!), I can see that I might have kind of a hard time when the Dr.'s finally tell me we're done with treatments. As long as they're giving you the drugs, you feel like you're actively doing something to kill the cancer cells. I think the waiting is going to be hard. I'm already kind of nervous that I'm four weeks out from my last treatment. My surgery is scheduled for May 4th, and in the back of my mind is this fear that somehow the cancer cells are going to get active and do something crazy while we're waiting for my body to heal. This is where I really get to exercise my faith in the fact that Heavenly Father definitely does have a plan and a purpose in all this for me. I am not in control--He is. And I know that He has something better in store for me than I would ever choose for myself. I certainly would never have chosen to have cancer and go through what I'm going through, but each day I see blessings that I would have missed out on without this experience. I keep telling myself--it's all about perspective! Thank you again for your continued prayers and support. Love, Kim

Flying Out Tonight

Well, it's been 6 months now since my diagnosis and surgery. Tonight we are flying out to Orlando to take a family vacation that had been planned for October and had to be rescheduled because of my illness. I have been in tears for much of this morning--not tears of sadness--tears of joy. For much of the first couple of months, there were so many days where I could never imagine that I would even still be here this spring. I was so ill and weak that I couldn't imagine ever feeling well again, let alone being able to take a trip like this with my family. I feel absolutely blessed!!! It is a blessing to be alive each day--it's a blessing to have physical strength and energy--and it's a blessing to have a peaceful heart. I am thankful to each and every one of you who have exercised your faith, and have directed your prayers on behalf of my recovery, and have given of your sweet service to me and my family. I wish I could take all of you with me! Know that I will be thinking of you each day, and expressing gratitude to our Lord for your influence in my life. This time in my life would not be possible without Him, and without you. Thank you, thank you. All my love--Kim

Results

Well, the results came back and things are looking fairly good. The radioactive glucose will light up any cancer that is just less than 1cm or larger on the PT scan. Fortunately, nothing really lit up--even in my breast where the large tumor originally was. My CA-125 number also went from 100 to 91. The scans also showed some fluid still in my chest cavity. The PT scans are not 100% accurate, and because my CA-125 levels are still over 35, it does indicate that there are still cancer cells somewhere in my body, they're just not sure where at this point. I was also able to go yesterday to see Dr. Reading, the breast surgeon, for a consultation. Both she and my oncologist feel that a mastectomy is a good direction to go at this stage. I am scheduled for this on May 4th, and, at this point, am thinking it will be a double--although this could possibly change. Dr. Prystas was only able to give me the one chemo drug last Friday, because the risk of a severe allergic reaction to the other was just too high. So, the side effects haven't been too awful the past 5 days--I am just extremely tired and sleepy most days. They also didn't send me home with the Neulasta shot (that's the one that causes the severe body aches) because they are giving me a "chemo vacation" for a bit. I'll go in a few weeks for a chest x-ray and a CA-125 blood test, then possibly have them "tap" the chest cavity again to drain the fluid and test it for cancer cells; then we head in for surgery at the beginning of May. Chemo has been suspended for the time being, and we'll see whether I will need more after the surgery. It's a little scary to think that they won't be putting any cancer-killing drugs into me for a while, but both Dr.'s assured me that it's okay to take a "chemo vacation" at this point. Dr. Prystas would have made me take it regardless of whether or not I was able to have the surgery. The fact that I have both ovarian and breast cancer has (and will) really complicate treatment, and I was quite nervous that Dr. Reading wouldn't agree to do the mastectomy with the ovarian cancer possibly still being there, but was so relieved when she didn't hesitate to say she thought it was the right thing at this point in time. I feel very blessed to have these two remarkable women as my physicians. They are both mothers themselves, and completely understand my desire to be here for my children. They don't sugarcoat things, but also express hope & confidence in my future. I feel every day that my being here 6 months later is the direct result of the faith and prayers that have been offered on my behalf. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to still be here--and to be feeling pretty good most days. Life is wonderful--my heart is full of thanksgiving! Love to you always, Kim

Waiting on Results

Last week was just great! I was able to attend some of the state dental convention in Salt Lake, & then had my sister come spend the weekend with me. I also had a CT scan last week of my chest, & it showed that the tumor in my breast has shrunk quite a bit. Yea! Today I had a CT & PT scan done from my head down to my knees. They put some radioactive sugar into my blood stream, & then did a special scan. They bring the solution into the room in a titanium syringe, and then I had to stay by myself for 45 minutes because of the radiation. Apparently, cancer cells really like the radioactive sugar & take it in, so then they show up on the scan. My oncologist & breast surgeon ordered the test to see whether there is cancer in any other areas of my body besides the breast. I guess this will help them determine whether they will go in & remove the tumor or not. I go in for my 8th chemo treatment this Friday, so hopefully I'll hear the results from Dr. Prystas at that time. As always, I am so very grateful for the blessing of prayers & healing. And can I just say that I am loving this spring weather? It is a wonderful time of hope & renewal, & I am feeling that in my heart. Love always, Kim

This One is for Sue

My friend, Sue Owens, stopped in to see me last week & told me that she wanted me to write more often (perhaps not such long epistles--my words, not hers!) letting her & others who don't see me very often know how I'm doing more regularly. Well, I am doing better this week. I'm feeling pretty good physically, other than being bone tired by about 11 am. I'm doing better emotionally this week, also. I have to remember that this is a journey, & it's going to have it's ups & downs. Five months ago, I wasn't even sure if I'd ever be able to leave my house or do anything normal again, so every day I'm alive & feel well is a bonus.
Kali is home from spring break this week, & it's always a delight to have her here! I was able to teach the lesson in Relief Society on Sunday, & I have a full week of activities planned with the family. I continue to be grateful to my parents, all those who bring in meals three times a week, & my cousin, Karen, who comes each week & helps with housework. I know it may seem like a small thing to those of you who are serving our family, but it helps our family immensely for me to have the energy to spend with them when they arrive home from work & school. It has been a long 6 months since things started going crazy for us, & I think the kids are holding up pretty well. We've been able to keep things fairly normal for everyone thanks to all these sweet "angels". I am also very thankful for all my dear friends who call to talk & listen, and those who write such sweet notes. I don't think you'll ever know how much it means to me--thank you. Love always, Kim